*Yawn*

I swear, getting back into the swing of things is tiring, folks. I’m nearly 100% now, with the restriction of not picking up anything over 10 lbs (which, coincidentally, includes everything in the “housework”, “yardwork”, “child rearing”, and “special projects” categories), although I did manage to gig with the band Saturday night. And we ripped shit up, as usual. In fact, our next show will be our CD release party on June 23. Oh yes. NONEtheLESS is releasing our debut CD, “Despite The Stereotype” to the world at large at a free (yes, FREE) show in June. If you’re anywhere NEAR Dallas, you need to bring your ass on out to Tomcats that night to bear witness to the spectacle that is one of our shows. In fact, we had such a lively crowd this past Saturday night that several – SEVERAL – women live up to the namesake of our “Show Me Your Tits” song by exposing themselves. ‘Twas a good night.

Wanna read about some fucked up individuals? I know I do. C’mon baby…let’s diatribe.

Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!

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PETALUMA, Calif. (AP) – Petaluma police say two Staples office supply store employees and a shopping center customer were beaten recently by gang members, apparently for wearing red clothing. The attacks happened Friday near the Staples office supply store in Petaluma, where two workers and another person were assaulted. Two 17-year-olds, a boy and a girl, were later arrested. Petaluma Police Sergeant Dave Kahl says a Staples employee was standing outside the store when the suspects began yelling gang slogans and challenging him to fight. He started to walk into the store when they attacked him with their fists. The suspects were booked into Sonoma County Juvenile Hall.

Dear God. See, I’ve BEEN to Petaluma. Petaluma is NOT a gang town, which is why I think this dumb ass ridiculous bullshit went down there. Petaluma is like the city equivalent of a sedative. It’s sleepy. It’s mascot is Rip Van muhfuckin’ Winkle. This is not the place to go start a gang, mainly because that gang would either have to be in the illegal wine trade, playing Playstation all day, or just throwing rocks in the general direction of San Francisco because there ain’t SHIT ELSE to do there! Think about this crime — these so-called gang members beat up Staples workers and a customer for wearing red. Wasn’t there some point during this stupid altercation when the thugs noticed the word “STAPLES” embroidered on the shirts, meaning that those people fucking WORKED THERE, and therefore probably WEREN’T in a GANG in PETAFUCKINGLUMA? If I was in this so-called gang (I’m guessing the Crips, since they hate the Bloods, who wear red), I would immediately disavow all knowledge of them or their association with my gang, I’d hire someone to kick their monkey asses in jail, and I’d go get a job at Staples just to TRY to make up for this unchecked stupidity.

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The 275 graduates of Dripping Springs High School are not getting their diplomas after district officials say some made Friday night’s ceremony at Shoreline Christian Center a circus by yelling, blowing bubbles and bouncing beach balls through out the crowd. Tanner Mayo with the senior class says was just trying to have some fun, but Principal Greg Young says he and other officials were not laughing. Young says they are reviewing tapes of the ceremony and those students involved will be punished, possibly with community service.

See, this is what’s wrong with America today. This. God forbid these kids find a nice, peaceful, safe, and non-destructive way to celebrate their impending graduation. Did you see where the kids snorted cocaine off the toilet seats? Me neither. Did you see where they drank Mad Dog and tore the joint up? Nope, I missed that. Did you read about the rapes and assaults that took place? Somehow I neglected to read that, too. All I read was a bunch of kids, happy about leaving the hell of high school, whoopin’ it up with the unimaginable: bubbles, beach balls, and yelling. The administration who takes these kids’ diplomas for that need to have their asses beat, and thank their lucky stars that none of that other shit went down. This is the high school you give the finger to as you drive by. Community service for beach balls and yelling. I bet they would’ve gotten life if they did the electric slide up in there.

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A man who tried to break up a fight between his two nephews ended up being stabbed with a pitchfork by one of his nephews, police say. All three men were drinking in their mobile home in the 1200 block of Paseo Derecho around 10 p.m. Sunday, when the two cousins began arguing over who was older. One of the cousins grabbed a pitchfork, and when the uncle stepped between his nephews, he was stabbed in the arm. The uncle was taken to a local hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. The 26-year-old nephew who stabbed his uncle was arrested on charges of aggravated assault. Police say the other cousin won’t be charged.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Isn’t it funny how so many of these stories start off with “they were drinking in their mobile home”? Do you think there’s perhaps a correlation between the drinking, the belligerent behavior, and the fact that they were in a house on wheels? And honestly, I love doing these stories because the root cause is always fucking hilarious. How do you get into a fight over who’s OLDER? How HARD is it to figure that out? Couldn’t they just pull out their hunting licenses or just counted toes (see, I figure that he who has the fewer toes is older, ’cause he’s had more opportunity to blow his stupid feet off with an M80)? The depth of the redneckian stupidity baffles me in ways that chafe me in my boxer briefs. And which genius had the bright idea to use a PITCHFORK to settle an argument about AGE? Rather than getting in between, the uncle should’ve let them settle their beef American Gladiator style. Give ’em each a pitchfork, put ’em in a ring filled with rabid weasels, broken glass, and olive oil, and tell them each that they’re the oldest and also that the other one said NASCAR sucks. Then turn ’em loose. By the time it’s all said and done, there won’t be enough of them left to make a half-decent pot pie. But the gene pool would thank the uncle repeatedly.

Peace.

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