Greetings, earthlings!

This week I’m introducing something new to the diatribes: dedicated segments. I’ve noticed some trends as I’ve been researching, compiling, and publishing these little slices of hell and lemon juice, so I’m gonna start breaking things out into specialized categories, kinda like what Fark does (which, by the way, is where a lot of my shit originates anyway). Mad props, Fark. For example, this week one of my stories is from Denver, courtesy of HotDrWife. I’ve noticed that a LOT of fucked up shit goes down in Denver, so my first dedicated segment will be dubbed Things To Do In Denver When You’re Stupid. Other segments will follow…such as Stop Sniffing Those Feet, Freak and Cops Are Smarter Than You. It won’t change the stories any, but it’ll amuse me, and quite frankly, that’s what this is all about: my amusement.

The band’s CD release is on Saturday. Oh yes. If you’re in Dallas, come. It’s a free show. Holla at me if you want details.

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THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE STUPID

(www.9news.com) DENVER – A man is accused of breaking into a home, drinking beer, then getting a clean shirt out of the dryer. The Denver District Attorney’s Office has charged Glenn House, 36, with second-degree burglary after authorities say he broke into a home in the 900 block of South Harrison Street. The DA’s office says House took a screen off an open kitchen window and crawled inside the home. He then helped himself to beer from the refrigerator and a clean shirt from the dryer. Authorities say the man who lives in the home and his girlfriend were in the bedroom when they realized a man was watching them. The victim chased House and held him, with the help of a neighbor, until police arrived. House remains in custody in the Denver County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. He will appear in court on June 7.

Wow. Who knew that Homer Simpson lived in Denver? And does anyone else see the irony in the guy’s name: Glenn House? His new middle name should be “Big”, ’cause the big house is exactly where this guy is headed. What type of insane, ne’er do well, fucked in the head, low-expectation having asshole breaks into a house to drink beer and getting a shirt from the dryer? At ANY point did he say to himself “You know, this is still breaking and entering, and burglaring, and I’ll still go to jail for a while if I’m caught”? I’m thinking no. You’d think that he’d aspire higher, say maybe taking a VCR or a cubic zirconium tennis bracelet, or perhaps even a hot muffin or a set of dish towels. SOMETHING worth pawning or selling on eBay. This guy will get his ass kicked at 10:34 am every single day he’s in jail, because the other B&E convicts have to show that they won’t just let any ol’ muhfucka claim to be a thief.

Oxford — Both parties are speaking out in a Granville County ethnic intimidation case. Former Henderson Police Officer Anthony Finch is accused of chasing after a black couple. James Maye and Dionne Hensley say Finch shouted racial slurs and pointed a gun at them. “I was hysterical. By the time we got to the police department, hysterical. My child could have been in the back seat of that car. He could have shot and killed us, he could have killed my child or anything else. This situation was uncalled for. Period,” Hensley said. “If I’d have had any intent to hurt either one of these people, I could have done it well before Oxford,” Finch said. “I went to the police department and went in a circle twice, yelling out the window, ‘Stop that car.’ At no time did I make racial slurs, anything. If I had a thought for one minute this was about race, I would have never chased them down,” Finch said. Police charged Finch with ethnic intimidation and pointing a firearm at the couple. “There was several slander words used, even in the presence of the officers that were there,” Capt. Glen Boyd said. They found a picture of Finch in a Ku Klux Klan outfit. He said it was a Halloween gag. Finch says the couple threatened to shoot his stepson. Maye and Hensley say they will file a complaint with the NAACP.

A Halloween gag? Like a gag you use to cover someone’s mouth when you’re gonna lynch them? Just there being a picture of a cop in a KKK outfit should be enough cause to fire his stupid hillbilly ass! Once again, it’s one cop doing some dumb shit that ruins the public perception of all cops. Now, as far as the claim this couple is making, who knows if it’s accurate, but several things stand out: (1) They ran TO the police station, like it was home base in a game of freeze tag. People doing something wrong typically avoid the police HQ when evading arrest. (2) They said he was waving a gun and shouting racial slurs, which he denied, which the CAPTAIN backed up. Plus his own statement of “If I’d have had any intent to hurt either one of these people, I could have done it well before Oxford.” Yeah, his defense attorney is going to get an ulcer over THAT statement. (3) They have a picture of him – IN A KLAN UNIFORM! There’s nothing you can say after that shit comes out, especially if you’re accused in a racially-motivated crime! Your best bet is to suddenly come down with whooping cough or a bad anal herpes outbreak, and have them send you to the prison infirmary (or maybe even to your mansion, if you have an ankle monitor and some Herpicin). Maybe I’m referring to someone else. Nah. If he goes to jail, that whole KKK thing will go over GREAT with the brothas. I hope he’s got the hellified ass clench going on, or it’ll be a long stay at Anal Rape Hotel. Wow, I’m thick with the anal references today, aren’t I?
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THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE STUPID (Yes, Another One)

Arapahoe County investigators have released images of a man who wore a plastic bag over his head as he attempted to rob a Loaf ‘N Jug convenience store in Centennial. “It’s unusual. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen someone use a plastic bag,” said bureau chief Bruce Williamson. “People can suffocate that way.” Williamson noted that investigators were in suspense watching the surveillance video, wondering whether the suspect would make it through the robbery without having to take it off. It appeared to be loose enough at the bottom that he was able to breathe. The man is believed to have been 16 to 20 years old. He wore a white T-shirt and blue shorts when he entered the store at 19853 E. Smoky Hill Road just before 1 a.m.
Investigators believe the robbery suspect is between 16 and 20 years old. (Arapahoe County) on May 10. He put the plastic bag over his head shortly after stepping inside, which allowed a surveillance camera to capture his image. The suspect threatened to shoot the clerk if he was not given all the cash but did not get away with any money, according to Williamson.

So…let me see if I got this. He went into a Loaf ‘N Jug (Mistake #1) with the intent to rob the place (Mistake #2, ’cause how much money would he really get? $43 and a pack of Now ‘n’ Laters? Honestly), and used a plastic em effing BAG over his stupid effing FACE as a disguise (Mistake #3), and only AFTER walking into the store so that the camera could capture his idiotic visage (Mistake Numero 4) before he logged onto http://www.i’mdumb.com and entered the administrator password? This guy doesn’t need jail – he needs a robbery workshop. He needs a mentor, a big robber brother, to properly guide him and show him the right way to rob a store, like using a proper mask and maybe picking a place that has more than change for a five in the drawer. Perhaps he could tell the lad “Hey man, either put the mask on BEFORE you go in, or case the place ahead of time so you’ll know where the camera is and can avoid it.” Or maybe it’s best we let Junior Stupid Thief here go his own way. After all, look how well it’s worked out so far. At this rate, he’ll be doing life in Sing Sing (since I don’t know any Denver prisons – shut up, I don’t research this shit that much, ok?), and all he’ll have to show for it is about $172.23, two rolls of Bounty, 10 Hubba Bubbas, 3 grape Fantas, and a Kit Kat.

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A 38-year-old Hudson man says he was kidnapped Saturday morning, dropped in the woods and then hunted by four men carrying a bow and arrows. The victim told Pasco County sheriff’s deputies that he was at a BP gas station at 13703 U.S. 19 between 7 and 8 a.m., when he says he was approached by four males and forced into a vehicle. The man told deputies that he knows two of his attackers because they had previously sold him crack cocaine. The victim’s assailants took him to the edge of the woods and let him out of the vehicle. “You better run, we’re going to get you,” the attackers reportedly said before aiming at the man. The victim told deputies that he could see arrows hitting the ground around him as he ran and that he was sure he was going to die. The men followed him throughout the day and night. The victim finally found his way out of the woods Sunday around 5 p.m. and flagged someone down along Dixie Highway to ask for help, according to sheriff’s deputies. The victim was taken to Regional Medical Center Bayonet Point. No arrests have been made.

Um, did anyone see that movie with Ice-T, where he went out into the woods as a guide, only to be chased and hunted by a gang of rich white guys, and he turns the tables on them, and knocks ’em off one by one, and Gary Busey is in it, and Roc, and he gets killed by a four wheeler, and Ice-T lives in the end, ’cause he was the star? Yeah, this is JUST LIKE THAT, if Ice-T had been a loser who bought crack from someone, then had that same someone roll up on them and drop ’em off in the woods so they could play target practice with their ass. Seriously, this shit HAPPENS nowadays? What side street of hell do you have to get lost on to end up running through the woods from 8am till 5pm? Wait. Wait just an em effing minute. 8 to 5? You mean, WORKING HOURS?? I effing KNEW it! This bastard wasn’t kidnapped – he was laying out of work! And if you’re gonna lay outta work all day, what better reason to give (in Hudson, apparently) than to say “Uh, I was…kidnapped. Yeah. By guys with bows and arrows. Uh-huh. And I bought crack from one of them. So….can someone maybe write me a note or somethin’?” This is bullshit. Maybe when there’s a marathon of “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” on Bravo, I’LL get kidnapped by wild hillbillies with high-powered bows and an old pickup truck. Or I’ll just go to Arkansas. Same diff.

Peace.

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