Screw the date. You know what date it is.

I know a lot of y’all are interested to know how the whole CD release went on Saturday. I’d love to tell you the entire story. I really would. But there are chunks of time that just…well, escape my memory. So I’ll tell you what I DO know and remember, and that’ll just have to be good enough, dammit.

  • The show rocked. Hard.
  • We had about 200+ people there
  • Fyrchk was in town, but circumstance didn’t allow us to meet
  • We’re both pissed about that
  • Jmart crowd surfed
  • Twice
  • He and I rapped in the show
  • You know, like hip-hop shit
  • For real
  • Stop laughing
  • Two magazines came out to write a review of our show
  • One guy left after 3 songs
  • He is an asshole
  • The female reviewer stayed the whole time
  • Women showed us their wonderful breasts
  • We sold a TON of t-shirts, CDs, condoms (yes, condoms), and other merch
  • I got drunk
  • Really drunk
  • We sang karaoke
  • At 5am
  • I went to bed at 7:30am Sunday
  • I hurt all day
  • And Monday, too

Alright. That’s about as much as I can muster right now, so I’ll spend the rest of my energy on the ‘tribe. I’m sure you’ll appreciate.

gobeango.jpg

I don’t know what song this was, but I was into it.

beanpeace.jpg

Peace sign from below. Or above. However you want it.

bean-rap.jpg

This is the one of me rapping. I wasn’t kidding about that.

bean-time-bomb.jpg

Me, amazed at Gordie’s magical guitar god-powers. Seriously, the dude is the best guitarist I’ve ever heard.

OK, enough of me celebrating me or whatever. Let’s talk about other people. Let’s diatribe.

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Things to Do In (Or Near) Denver When You’re Stupid

A crude oil storage tank exploded as two teens were jumping on it, hurling the youths 150 yards to their deaths, deputies said Monday. The tank exploded Saturday night during a party in Routt National Forest, about 135 miles west of Denver, Rio Blanco County Undersheriff Michael Joos said. Vapor from the 160 barrels of crude oil in the tank may have been forced out through a relief valve by the pressure of the teens jumping on the top, Joos said. He said deputies were trying to determine whether a campfire or a cigarette lighter ignited the vapor. Some of the 18 people at the party had lit a campfire, Joos said, but he was not sure how close it was to the tank. A dog also was killed but no other injuries were reported, Joos said. The Colorado Bureau of Investigation was investigating. The victims were identified as Samuel Hedemark, 17, of Phippsburg, and Christopher King Fuller, 19, of Yampa. Coroner Randall Cochran said marijuana was found in both teens’ bodies and each had a blood-alcohol level higher than the 0.08 percent legal limit for driving.

Hello? I’m looking for Charles. Charles Darwin. Yes, the great evolutionist. I’ll hold. Lalalalala, freeze frame! Freeze frame! OH – my bad. Charles, hi. This is Dark Damian, and I just wanted to call you and give you some mad props. What’s that, you say? Oh, it just means I want to tell you how great a job you did. Natural selection? Classic, dawg. You see, I bring this up now because I just read this story, and it really emphasizes your whole “survival of the fittest” deal. (I know, it was Herbert Spencer who said that, not you, but no one remembers Herbert Spencer. Shit, his name is HERBERT. You are the man.) Listen, the reason I’m calling you is to congratulate you on the job you did on those two dumb-ass kids jumping on the oil storage tank. Making it explode was just brilliant. I mean, honestly – what the fuck were they thinking? And you KNOW they were smoking that ganja while they did it, too. Ganja + crude oil = kaboom. Simple and elegant. I mean, why JUMPING? This is your brilliance at work, Chuck. Thank you for putting so much time and effort into your theory or whatever. Just next time, make it work faster. Much love to ya.

———————-
A child’s tantrum onboard a Delta commuter flight forced a pilot to make an emergency landing at Philadelphia International Airport. Chopper 10 was over the scene. The forced landing was caused by a fight over apple juice. A 4-year-old wanted apple juice and when the stewardess didn’t get it quick enough, the child threw a tantrum, NBC 10 reported. The Delta commuter flight landed around 5 p.m. Tuesday. The flight originated in New York and was headed to North Carolina before the incident. Passengers were spending the night in Philadelphia, NBC 10 reported. Authorities said there would be no charges filed in the incident.

I. Would. Beat. The. Pilot’s. Ass. Oh, I’d leave a little in reserve for the parents too, but c’mon – a 4 year old’s tantrum was so bad that it warranted an emergency landing, a landing, by the way, which resulted in the passengers having to spend the night in Philly? Shit, the flight from NY to NC only takes about 2 hours, TOPS! As pissed as I might be that a kid was losing his shit over a fruity beverage, I’d be MORE pissed if I had somewhere to be that day, and the stupid fucking pilot decided that he was gonna make a point at my expense. You win, Mr. Ex-Navy Pilot. You win. You’re the boss of the plane. We get it. Now, I’d like you to come with me to explain to the convention that I was supposed to speak at why exactly I couldn’t make it. Oh yes, I want YOU to tell them, Mr. Power Trip. You tell them that I couldn’t close that important deal because you got pissy. You tell my daughter/son/nephew/whatever that I couldn’t make his graduation because you just HAD to show that little 4 year old punk who was the king of aviation. You fucking win. And I tell you something else – you better (a) refund my shit; (b) pay for my hotel AND my hookers; and (c) hook a brotha up with some free flights. I’m thinking Vegas. I’m thinking I’m gambling. With your money. Fucktard.

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A Gilbert woman who was text messaging while driving hit a parked patrol car that had its emergency lights flashing early Wednesday morning, authorities said Wednesday. Department of Public Service Sgt. Annette Reyes-Miller was in her marked patrol car in the eastbound lanes of Loop 202 between Santan and Gilbert roads providing traffic safety at a Department of Transportation construction site. The patrol vehicle was parked behind the construction crew with the emergency lights flashing, according to officials. Authorities believe Gilbert resident Jenna R. Meyers, 22, drove her Chevrolet Blazer directly into the patrol car at about 12:15 a.m. Reyes-Miller was taken to an area hospital for facial bruises and chest pain, officials said. Meyers told officers on the scene that she had been text messaging when the accident occurred. Officers also believe impairment was a factor. harges for Meyers are pending.

“Hey, wht r u d0ing? M g0ing 2 da store 4 sum cigs and beer. OMG, dis song iz rly gr8! And grl, bill is a h8r and a p1mp!”<send>
“shit, 4COL, he iz dumb. AFAIC, he is a prick. Fuck him.<send>
“no grl, not for realz. AWGTHTGTTA?”<send>

BAM!

“IDK wht happend but TTFN – I hit a cop. KYFC 4 me.”

How in the hell does one hit a patrol car, one that is PARKED and has its LIGHTS ON at NIGHT? Shit, I’m a text messaging fool and I’ve never even come close to hitting anything while driving, because – and this might shock you – driving is more important than saying “LOL” to the dude who’s house you just left! Hell, why would you even admit to the cop that you were texting while driving? Just about any other lie is better than “Well, I just couldn’t put the phone down long enough to avoid your rather large police cruiser”, you know? I fell asleep. A rabbit ran out in front of the car. I saw an alien. My baby was throwing up. I dropped my cigarette. A hyena jumped into my lap. I turned on the cruise control and turned away for a minute, and the car thought I said cruiser control. I’m driving with Jesus, and his license got revoked. Sunspots. I thought the cruiser was a black-and-white stop sign. Wyle E. Coyote jacked my ride, hit your shit, and escaped through a tunnel he painted in the sidewalk. That dumb, stupid bitch. I hope she gets tendonitis in her thumbs.

Peace.

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