I know it’s been a minute
Since I was all up in it
But the world is on my back

So let a brotha live
I know you will forgive
And cut me a little slack

I know it’s been some time
Since I busted out a rhyme
With my special flow and vibe

So sit back and unwind
I know that you won’t mind
A little DD diatribe!


Things to Do in Denver When You’re Stupid

DENVER — A man who told two women they were extremely beautiful was arrested on charges of harassment last week, Denver police said. Police said 32-year-old Jeff John Hergert approached the women and “expressed interest in them.” He told each woman in two separate incidents that they were extremely beautiful and that they should consider modeling. Hergert was arrested and is being held on two counts of harassment. He is being held on a $10,000 bond.

Denver never, ever fails to disappoint. There’s so much wrong with this story. $10K bond, on a harassment charge, for telling two women they’re ‘extremely beautiful’? What the hell is wrong with these women that they felt the need to call the cops on this, and moreover, how bored were the cops that they arrested this idiot instead of just pulling him to the side, slapping him around a little bit, telling him to chill with the compliments, and sending him on his way with bruises that don’t show? Aren’t there any murders or rapes or home invasions or car thefts or assaults or burglaries or stalkings or forgeries or Nigerian check scams or credit fraud or counterfeiting rings or drug possessions or weapons violations or jaywalking incidences or red light runners or people named John Wayne Whatever or NBA players to arrest, that they have to put down the Krispy Kreme (lemon-filled) doughnut and fuck with THIS doofus? Mind you, I think he was dumb for over-emphasizing something that should’ve been a passing comment and nothing more, and it COULD be construed as borderline stalktacular, and given whatever the circumstances were, I can certainly see why these women may have felt somewhat threatened. I don’t fault the women TOO much on that…times are hard out there, and no one wants to end up on the bad side of a chloroform rag and a windowless panel van. But honestly, this whole affair should’ve stopped just past the point where the guy pissed himself and begged the cops not to tell his wife, and just past where the cops look at each other and say “Yeah, they ARE fine as hell, man. Quit doing dumb shit and go home, fool.” They should be ashamed of themselves. And women out there? If a guy doesn’t tell you you’re attractive…shit like this could be why. Just sayin’.

CHESHIRE, Conn. (AP) — Two suspects accused of stealing cash and a laptop computer at gunpoint during a hotel robbery Friday apparently found themselves without something important: a road map. Cheshire police say the men, trying to evade officers, drove into what they believed was a detour off the main road. Instead of a shortcut, however, they found themselves in the Cheshire Police Department’s dead-end parking lot. The passenger was taken into custody at the scene and the driver, who tried to run away, was found hiding in a nearby wooded area, police said. George Davis, 47, of Hartford and Guy Anthony Williams, 50, of East Hartford were both charged with robbery, larceny, conspiracy, larceny by possession and criminal possession of a pistol, police said. Davis also was charged with driving on a suspended license, police said. The pistol turned out to be a toy gun, police said. Both men are due to appear Monday in Meriden Superior Court.

Master criminals, both of ’em. When I open my School of Advanced Criminal Behavior, I’ll hire politicians as my professors (who knows more about crime than politicians?), and have them train the pupils in the art of effective criminal behavior. When they get to the portion of the Powerpoint presentation that deals with “What NOT To Do”, I’ll have them put these two buttmonkeys’ mug shots on the slide, and whack the screen with a stick and tell the class “No, no, NO!” Stealing cash and a laptop is dumb to begin with. Why rob a hotel? Is it because it’s lightly guarded? Perhaps. You wanna know what else it is? It’s a place that does most of its business via credit card, meaning there’s probably not a TON of cash just lounging around the cash register, waiting for Mike and Ike here to come pick it up and take it shopping. Hell, a Burger King would be a better spot to hit, ’cause at least then you could get yourself a Whopper Junior to take with you after you jack their shit. But fine, whatever, they picked a hotel, and hit a minor jackpot. See, my thing is, if I’m gonna do something that’ll cause me to go to jail, it’s going to be spectacular. I’m not robbing a hotel at gunpoint; I’m robbing a pimp. Why a pimp, you ask? ‘Cause he carries around a lot of money, and he won’t go to the cops, ergo, no jail time for the D-Man. These fools would’ve done better following my sage advice. Oh well – I’ve already got Sylvan Criminal Learning Center on standby for tutoring.

A therapist has been accused of taking advantage of a patient with a split personality – using one of her alter egos for sex, another to be his cleaner and a third to lend him cash for holidays. When confronted by his alleged victim he refused to comment, saying he had a duty of confidentiality to her other personalities. The German woman, Monika Mirte, 44, had gone to qualified psychotherapist Peter Blaeker, 43, after she was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Much of the time Miss Mirte was in control, but sometimes she became her other personalities, “Kathrin”, “Finja” and “Leonie”. She alleges that Blaeker used his knowledge of her condition to use her for sex, housework and loans. If convicted he faces up to five years in jail. It is unclear how Miss Mirte became suspicious about her “treatment” but she eventually confronted Blaeker. She claims the therapist told her he would not discuss the matter because he had a duty of confidentiality to his patients, including her other personalities. Spokesman Dr Gunther Feld said they were considering charges of sexual abuse under duress. They were also investigating possible fraud.

I have to admit this, even though I am loathe to do so: this story made me laugh, a little. Please don’t hate on me for that. I understand that what this asshole did is the worst kind of abuse, an abuse of trust, and that he should be placed somewhere where animals are carnivorous, trained to hate shrinks, underfed, and free to roam about without restraint. But his audacity, his chutzpah, his BALLS just make me chortle. Can you imagine him setting this shit up? He probably needed a flowchart and a damn slide rule to keep it all straight. And seriously, how did he choose which identity for each “assignment”? Would the other personalities do things that the main one wouldn’t? How fucking DEVIOUS! “Hmm…Kathrin said she gives really good head, Finja mentioned the extra government money she (they, she, whatever) gets, and with a name like Leonie, she’s GOT to be handy with a mop and bucket. I think I may have invented a whole new type of therapy! I AM THE RAPIST! I mean, THERAPIST!” I also want to know how long this deal went on, and how she eventually found out. Did the cleaning personality leave him a bill? Did the money personality write a note to the main personality to take more cash outta the ATM, since that one had reached her daily limit? Did the sex personality take pictures? And when he was confronted, how long do you think it took for him to come up with that golden excuse of patient confidentiality? I’m pretty sure HIPAA doesn’t cover fucking your patients, in just about every form of that verb. 

MELBOURNE (AFP) – A boy called Hell has been barred from enrolling in a Catholic school in Australia because his surname jarred with its religious teachings, the child’s father said Monday. The youngster’s dad, 45-year-old Alex Hell, has expressed outrage after the primary school in the southern city of Melbourne allegedly refused to admit his son, Max. “We are victims of our name,” said Hell, whose name is of Austrian origin. “We’re quite devastated by the whole thing,” the Catholic father of three told the Australian Associated Press. “It’s 2007, not 1407 — it’s not the Dark Ages.” Hell said that at one point he offered to change his son’s name to his wife’s maiden name of Wembridge, a suggestion that he said was welcomed by the principal of St Peter the Apostle primary school, Michael McGrath. But he changed his mind, and was then told that Max would not be able to attend the school, Hell said.  School officials later had a change of heart, but Hell now says there is no way he will ever enroll his son there. “The school has turned around and said Max can go there, but why would you want to go there after being victimized?” he said. “I’d rather go to another school — we had no problem with the public school but we just wanted to further Max’s education,” Hell said, adding that he would move his family to the nearby city of Geelong and put Max in another school. St Peter the Apostle School said it had offered Max a place and confirmed that Hell had offered to change his child’s name. “The issue of a change of surname of the child was an initiative of the parents which they believed would assist the child in the transition of schools,” the school said in a statement. “The school is working with the family in the best interests of the child,” the statement added.

Just what the hell is going on here? How in the hell did this even get this far? This is a helluva thing to show a child, that his name is the only thing stopping him from getting a quality education. Hell, it’s not like he’s the son of Satan! If that were me, I’d be preparing a hellacious lawsuit against them. And I’d enroll my son into a nice school, one without prejudice, and tell the old school to go to hell. In fact, I’d open my OWN school — Hell Academy. The Hell Academy would teach your kids all about the Hell ways of education and discipline – Hell Math, Hell Literature, Hell P.E. (also called “Run Like Hell”), Hell Ethics (or “Like Hell I Will”), Hell Geography (“Go To Hell”), Hell Art (“That Sculpture Is Nice As Hell”), and the Hell Knowledge Bowl Team (“Hell If I Know”). It’ll be glorious as hell. And I’m dumb as hell for trying to extend this hellified bad joke as long as all this. That’s just not hell-thy. 

WASHINGTON – A grand feast of marinated steaks and jumbo shrimp was winding down, and a group of friends was sitting on the back patio of a home, sipping red wine. Suddenly, a hooded man slid in through an open gate and put the barrel of a handgun to the head of a 14-year-old guest. “Give me your money, or I’ll start shooting,” he demanded, according to D.C. police and witness accounts. The five other guests, including the girls’ parents, froze — and then one spoke. “We were just finishing dinner,” Cristina “Cha Cha” Rowan, 43, blurted out. “Why don’t you have a glass of wine with us?” The intruder took a sip of their Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry and said, “Damn, that’s good wine.” The girl’s father, Michael Rabdau, 51, who described the harrowing evening in an interview, told the intruder, described as being in his 20s, to take the whole glass. Rowan offered him the bottle. The would-be robber, his hood now down, took another sip and had a bite of Camembert cheese that was on the table. Then he tucked the gun into the pocket of his nylon sweatpants. “I think I may have come to the wrong house,” he said, looking around the patio of the home in the 1300 block of Constitution Avenue NE. “I’m sorry,” he told the group. “Can I get a hug?” Rowan, who lives in Falls Church and works part time at her children’s school, stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Then it was Rabdau’s turn. Then his wife’s. The other two guests complied. “That’s really good wine,” the man said, taking another sip. He had a final request: “Can we have a group hug?” The five adults surrounded him, arms out. With that, the man walked out with a crystal wine glass in hand, filled with Chateau Malescot. No one was hurt, and nothing was stolen. The homeowner, Xavier Cervera, 45, had gone out to walk his dog at the end of the party and missed the incident, which happened about midnight June 16. Police classified the case as strange but true and said they had not located a suspect. “We believe it is a true robbery,” said Cmdr. Diane Groomes, who is in charge of patrols in the Capitol Hill area. But it’s one-of-a-kind, she said, adding, “I’ve never heard of a robber joining a party and then walking out to the sunset.” The hug, she said, was especially unusual. “They should have squeezed him and held onto him for us,” she said. Rabdau said he hasn’t been able to figure out what happened. “I was definitely expecting there would be some kind of casualty,” Rabdau said this week. “He was very aggressive at first; then it turned into a love fest. I don’t know what it was.” Rabdau, a federal government worker who lives in Anne Arundel County with his family and lived on Capitol Hill with his wife in the 1980s, said that the episode lasted about 10 minutes but seemed like an hour. He believes the guests were spared because they kept a positive attitude during the exchange. “There was this degree of disbelief and terror at the same time,” Rabdau said. “Then it miraculously just changed. His whole emotional tone turned — like, we’re one big happy family now. I thought: Was it the wine? Was it the cheese?” After the intruder left, the guests walked inside the house, locked the door and stared at each other. They didn’t say a word. Rabdau dialed 911. Police arrived quickly and took a report. They also dusted for fingerprints — so far, to no avail. In the alley behind the home, investigators found the intruder’s empty crystal wine glass on the ground, unbroken.

Wow. That’s all I have for this one, folks. Just…wow.