First things first, people:

I’m nominated for two blog awards!! Curiously, I’m nominated with Saintseester for “The 2 bloggers who (together) would have the best looking kids”, and alone for “Male blogger who would look the best in a speedo”, and I have to say I’m honored, truly. ‘Cause Saintseester?

Hot.

Our mocha-colored babies would be award-winning. As for the whole Speedo thing… obviously someone hasn’t seen my chiseled physique. It was chiseled out of chocolate chip cookie dough, but still chiseled. No one, and I do mean NO ONE, wants to see me in a Speedo. And if you say you do, you are a lyin’ ass. This body was made for boxers. And t-shirts. And old man pajamas. Definitely not a Speedo. Besides, as if all my junk could fit into a little banana hammock, anyway. I’d have to get “To be continued” embroidered on the front of that thing, for real. So stay tuned, vote for me, it’s the first award I’ve been up for since “Best black guy who takes news items and talks shit about the people and circumstances, and oh yeah, calls it a ‘diatribe'”, and I even came in second on that shit. Vote for my non-Speedo-wearing ass, people, or I swear I’ll put one on and post pics. You do NOT want me to follow up on that threat. Trust me.

***

So, I stood in line on Friday night, just like I said I would. I was gonna get me some Harry Potter, come hell or high water. But people, I played it smart. See, most folks think all narrow-minded about where to go get a book. They think Borders, Barnes & Noble, maybe Waldenbooks if they’re over the age of 47, and if pressed, they might think out as far as Wal-Mart or Target or some other universal retailer. Not often do they think of that other place they go to all the time, that place that sells them damn-near everything they need short of tires and hammers, and sometimes they have hammers up in there, too: the grocery store.

Did you know that grocery stores sell books? I did! Did you know that, unlike a lot of retailers, many of them are open 24 hours? I did! Did you know that James T. Oglethorpe was the founder of Georgia? You WOULD, if you bothered to listen to Badger The Witness yesterday where I pulled that factoid outta my rectum with the quickness. But you didn’t, so you’ll have to take a make-up test by listening to it in the archives. Cross-marketing! Anyways, I called a Kroger near my house to see if they’d be selling the book that night, and after an hour of them NOT answering my call, they confirmed that they’d go on sale at 12:01am. I asked them how long the line was at the time, and the kind lady said “What line?” It was 10:30pm. Score.

I roll on down to the Kroger at around 11:30pm or so, and to my surprise, I saw…no one. I mean, there were a couple of older kids milling around outside, and sure the store was open, but there was no pomp, no circumstance, no orchestras or firebreathers or people dressed like Hagrid. Just a handful of kids listening to Fall Out Boy or some other such emo-ass band in their moms’ Altimas. I settled in for a minute, surveying the scene, and after a while I decided to go on in and get in the line that must surely exist inside. When I got inside, I was greeted with this scene:

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There were only about 14 people in line ahead of me (and before you go counting heads, some of ’em are up at the front. I can count, people)! That was awesome – I was for damn sure gonna get a book. And I stood there, watching my bad-ass TV phone, looking at Comedy Central and CBS when this finally happened:

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See that guy in red, looking pissed? He was. He buggied in two thick boxes, and started cutting them open promptly at 12:01am. And one thought ran through my head: HE’S PASSING OUT HOOKERS AND FREE WII CONSOLES! Then I realized that no hookers could fit in that little box, and I settled down. He was busting out the Harry Potter books, and people were going MAD! Mad, I say! Actually, they just kinda said “Cool!” and lined up all orderly. See, when there’s not 20 people dressed like Death Eaters knocking you in the back with their bony elbows, things are far more serene and calm. I waited my turn, watching 14 other people squeal with glee, and then it was my turn.

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Hells. Yes. I got mine. And I couldn’t help but notice two significant things as I made my way toward the self-checkout:

  1. The line had grown ENORMOUSLY since I arrived.
  2. Dude in red was cutting open the second, and last, box of books.

It IS just a grocery store, people. Just because they sell the book doesn’t mean they have 1000 copies of the damn thing. Come early or stay home, that’s what I always say. And did I read the whole thing, all 749 pages or whatever? I did. That’s why my eyeballs hurt. Pay attention, people. And if you HAVEN’T read it yet, let me tell you:

When ___ puts the ___ in the ___, and then ___ attacks ____, trying to steal the ____, all hell breaks loose. And I couldn’t BELIEVE IT when ____ jumped on the ____ and ___ the ___. I mean, HONESTLY!!! And when ___ pulled the ____ right OUT of the _____ and fucked up ____ with it, I nearly lost my shit. I tell you one thing, though: if ____ hadn’t ____ the ___ when he did, that ____ wouldn’t’ve worked. Word.

I’m such a tease. Love me.

Peace.

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