*CACK CACK*

Man, this thing’s dustier than O.J.’s humility. Lemme see if I still know how to work this contraption…does Tab A go into Slot B? Well, maybe if I get Slot B nice and drunk on some Jack and Coke, and her fat friend leaves us alone for 3 consecutive minutes…nevermind. I’m rambling. But you know, I think I remember how it all works now.

Ahem.

YOOOOOOO! WHAT IS UP, MY PEOPLE?

I know you missed me.

I know you missed me, baby.

I know you missed me BLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!

And I’ve missed you. A funny thing happened on the way to http://www.wordpress.com – I got busy. Really busy. And the drive to ‘tribe went away like Britney’s kids. It’s been so long. Too long. But I’m gonna give it a go today, see what I’ve got under the hood. So sit back, relax, dim the lights (CLAP OFF!), and let’s do this shiznit.

I’m back, baby. Let’s diatribe.

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A Des Moines man went to jail Wednesday afternoon for allegedly throwing an onion at his wife. The police report begins: “(The victim) states her husband had been drinking and they got into an argument.” James Izzolena, 54, of 3515 Sheridan Ave., was charged with domestic assault causing injury. Police said he became upset with his wife, Nicole Izzolena, 27, and tossed an onion at her, striking her in the back of the head. She told police it made her head hurt. James Izzolena admitted throwing the onion, police said, but he claimed he did not intend to hit her with it. He was being held without bond pending a court appearance today.

Um…wow. There’s a couple of things here, and maybe it’s best to take this first one slowly.

  1. She’s 27, and married to a 54 year old. Now, far be it for me to put a limit on age differential, but fuck a duck – he’s TWICE HER AGE!! What in the bloody hell was she thinking in hooking up with the pre-corpse? Listen, I’m not saying that 54 is old. But if you’re 27, a 54 year old might as well be a relic. You think maybe, just maybe some of their differences stem from the fact that his auto insurance lowered significantly in the year she was born? Perhaps.
  2. Who in their right mind uses an onion as a weapon, unless the onion was the source of the angst? Maybe she was a bit heavy-handed when she made chicken salad. Maybe the onion rings weren’t quite thick enough. Maybe she told him that she has layers, and he wanted to give her the opportunity to explore the analogy between her complex personality and the vidalia sitting on the counter, up close and personal. I don’t know, but that shit is funny.
  3. Now, any form of physical assault or battery is a serious offense, people. I don’t make light of that. But really…do you call the cops if you got clocked in the noggin by a vegetable? What do you even SAY to the dispatcher? “Yeah, he hit me….yes, he’s still here. What’s that? Oh, he threw an onion at me. An onion. Yes. No, a real one. Right. Layers. Please send cops with tasers.” I’d be too embarrassed to even make that call. Instead, I’d wait till the fucker was asleep, and I’d pop him in the eye with a beet. No one likes beets.
  4. The man is being held without bond for hitting his wife with an onion, which made her head hurt, and OJ is walking the streets on $125,000 bail after a home invasion, in essence. That’s fucked up.
  5. Look at this guy. Maybe he NEEDS jail.

 

What the fuck is he thinking about? “I wonder if they’re serving chipped beef on toast in the commissary tonight. Hmm…”

That’s my guess.

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STREETSBORO, Ohio — A northeast Ohio man faces serious charges in connection with growing marijuana. Police said a man in Portage County was growing marijuana plants in a field and took photos of the plants. There were 16 plants that he allegedly took photos of and took the photos to a CVS on Route 43 and Frost Road in Streetsboro. Employees there immediately contacted police. “The Streetsboro Police Department called the Portage County Drug Task Force, the drug task force followed up on that and they were able to identify a party who was responsible for the photographs and eventually they recovered the plants through an interview,” said Duane Kaley of the Portage County Sheriff’s Department. The man’s name will not be released because the Drug Task Force is hoping it will lead them to a bigger operation.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wow. I mean, I keep thinking that sooner or later, the Stupid-o-Meter will redline, blow a gasket, and spray hot soup all over the floor, but that fucker just keeps on moving. Who DOES this? Do people think that, when you drop your film off, the processors don’t LOOK at the film to maybe, I dunno, see if the pics came out alright? And pot is distinctive. You know pot when you see it, and you can usually tell by the fact that some douchebag took the time to photograph all these weird-ass non-photogenic green bushes. I bet the developers in CVS did two things, right away: (1) tried to find out where the hell that field was, and upon failing, (2) called the cops. All while laughing. I wonder if he had one of those disposable cameras, thinking it worked like a pre-paid cell phone and couldn’t be traced. I bet he thought he was Carlos Escobar or Tony Montana. Well, say hello to your new little friend in jail, homeboy. Don’t sleep on your stomach. Maybe he should take lessons from homeboy I’m about to mention below.

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A man running naked through midtown Tucson lead police to a pot growing operation. Phillip Simmons, 53, is in police custody facing three felony counts: cultivation of marijuana, possession of marijuana for sale and possession of drug paraphernalia. Police say they first found Simmons Tuesday night running around his neighborhood in the nude. After police caught Simmons, they took him back to his home near Flowing Wells Rd. and Miracle Mile. There, police say they found drug paraphernalia. After a further search of the home and a second property under Simmons’ name a block away, police say they discovered 150 plants, each with a street value of $2,000. Police say Simmons was running a “sizeable” operation, worth about $250,000. It’s more than just an unusual bust for police: they only see a few operations this big each year. Lynne Oehlerich is one of the suspect’s neighbors. “I knew who it was and it just really surprised me.” Oehlerich says this isn’t the first time Simmons went for a stroll in the buff. She and other neighbors say the suspect did the same thing the day before. “That really surprised all of us about that too, so we were wondering if he had some issues.” Police say any kind of drug operation can bring in a criminal element. But here, neighbors say they didn’t see any problems. Instead the saw a friendly neighbor now charged with serious crimes. “If you needed a helping hand he would always be there. We never have seen any signs of anything ever. He was a very nice man,” Oehlerich says. Simmons is being held in the Pima County Jail.

Seems to be a theme. Hey Pirate, do you know this dude?

Yeah.  Think back. Maybe think of him naked, running through the neighborhoods of your town, eluding the police, and maybe growing some weed. Apparently he’s a real nice guy, very helpful, and always waiting to pitch in help people out, especially if they wanna smoke a bowl with him – or better yet, buy a dimebag off of him. He looks decent enough – kinda like my man Roy Scheider, don’t you think:

I’d totally let him get my mail, or feed my dog, or hide my porn for me when shit got hot. I’d never expect to learn that he’s a damn ganja-growing, nude-walking drug kingpin. I bet HE never got his film developed at CVS. Take note, Doofus From Previous Story! This here’s a MAN, son! He KNOWS how to handle his BUSINESS! But you know, maybe you shouldn’t emulate his decision-making skills, seeing how his whole empire came crumbling down because he wanted One-Eyed Willie to go on a night run out in the open. Pirate, are you SURE you haven’t seen this dude? He’d be the one with his weenus flapping in the wind and a Cheech and Chong sized megajoint tucked behind his ear. 

Peace.

I’ve missed this.

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