Who loves you more than I do, people? No one, that’s who!

I apologize for continually being too busy to give you more than these errant and erratic diatribes,  but man, do I ever have some interesting tales to tell. For example, the band’s trip to Gun Barrel City, Texas, in which we basically got into a DeLorean and went back in time to 1962, based on how the people reacted to us in general, and to me specifically. I’m not saying they are racist, but I bet the only black people they see is on TV – right before they change the channel. Let’s just say I won’t be going back to that town any time soon. And the use of the word “city” in the title is absolutely ludicrous. That podunk could triple in size and wouldn’t be considered a city by anyone’s standards. I also need to post about my newest addiction – Starbury shoes, which go for $15 a pair, and of which I now own 3 pairs. Yeah. I’m chock full o’ excitement, people. But for now, I’ll just do what I do best: break down real news featuring real people doing real dumb shit.

Let’s diatribe.

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SIOUX FALLS, S.D. (AP) – A Sioux Falls man has been arrested for trying to pass a counterfeit $100 bill in a strip club. “There was some blurring of the ink” on the bill allegedly passed by David Eugene Hayes, 32, said police Lt. Dan Kaiser. Police said they also found methamphetamine on Hayes. Authorities also received another report of counterfeit money in Sioux Falls. A clerk at a convenience store took in a fake $20 bill on Friday. The person who passed the bill got away. That bill also was of poor quality, Kaiser said. “It was very fuzzy and blurry looking,” he said. There have been several instances in the last week or so of counterfeit money being passed in Sioux Falls.

Of all the places to try to pass some fake money, a strip club should be second to last on the list, right before “banks”. You KNOW strippers know money. They have to. I mean, how else are they gonna finance their junior college educations? These women are trained to spot a bad piece of currency from 100 feet away in a darkened room through a haze of dry ice and cigarette smoke. There’s no way you’re slipping a funky Benjamin by Jazmine working the main stage. Now, I’m kinda surprised the convenience store clerk spotted the fake, given that half the time they can’t even count change back to you, or even do basic math. Hell, one time at a Circle K in Columbia, SC, I had a clerk hand me a wad of cash and say “Is this the right amount of change to give you?” This was just across the street from the University of South Carolina, which could definitely explain the educational gap. The tiny, mostly-malfunctioning moral compass in my head actually kicked on, and I counted out the correct amount of change for her. I bet I could’ve owned that place, if I went there enough. Now, the fact that homeboy in the story was also caught with some meth on him just underscores the obvious: people that go to USC shouldn’t try to pass off fake bills in strip clubs in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

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NEW DELHI (Reuters) – A seven-year-old girl was made to strip naked by her teacher in a New Delhi school for not completing her homework, a police spokesman said on Sunday. The minor was made to strip completely naked and stand on a desk in her class on Friday while other students were asked to boo her, the officer said. “The teacher was arrested on a complaint by the parents but she has been released as it was a bailable offence,” Rajan Bhagat told Reuters over the telephone. “This is barbaric,” Shanta Sinha, head of the National Commission for Protection of Child Rights, said in a newspaper report. “No one has the right to outrage the modesty of a child.” The commission had issued a directive this year barring schools from calling students “stupid” or “mindless”. A government study backed by the United Nations Children’s Fund said earlier this year two-thirds of children in India are physically abused, mostly at home and in schools.

Um, no. No, no, no. New Delhi or New Jersey, wrong is wrong, and this shit is just wrong in any culture. I doubt even the Taliban would be down with this shit – especially since they’re anti-female education in the first place. Besides the fact that the crime itself is pretty rotten, it offends me even more that the teacher’s out on bail already. I mean, at what point is something like this even remotely OK in the eyes of anyone with a sense of common human decency? So she didn’t complete her homework. Big deal. Was that crime so egregious that it warranted shutting down class, humiliating the student by making her undress in front of others, and then encouraging the others to further her humiliation by jeering her? Was the lesson THAT important that it had to be taught like THAT? I can hardly imagine what her homework must’ve been to make it that important. Was she solving the human genome? Was she locating consciousness in the mind? Was she charting the galaxy? Or was she maybe doing some subtraction? It’s difficult to imagine anything that would cause a professional educator to do this to a child, and in my humble opinion, that teacher needs his/her bail revoked, and they need to be put back into jail – naked, of course. While the inmates boo them. Think that would send the proper message? I don’t either. But it would be an excellent deterrent for the next numbnuts teacher who tried to pull some bullshit like that. I wish one of 8YO’s teacher’s WOULD try to do something as dumb as that. She’d need a starburyrectalectomy performed, to remove my new Starbury shoes from her ass. Trust me on that.

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A Mesa woman chased her live-in boyfriend with a hammer after he tried to break up with her, police said. Pamela Ruth, 47, was booked for prior outstanding warrants, criminal damage, domestic violence and false reporting to law enforcement. Police were called to the couple’s home in the 2400 block of East Brown Road shortly before 5 p.m. Thursday to responds to reports of a woman chasing her boyfriend with a hammer. According to police, the couple had been dating for about nine months and had been living together since March. The man, who is 42, tried to end the relationship over the telephone earlier in the day, but Ruth hung up on him. She returned home to confront the man and began breaking items in the home, including two model airplanes and a statue of an elephant. She then grabbed a hammer and began chasing her boyfriend, according to police. Police said the boyfriend still wanted to break up and wanted her prosecuted for the damage to his elephant statue.

Check out Ol’ Girl’s picture real quick, people, and tell me she’s not a keeper:

Rawr. She is…the hotness. Do fries come with that shake? (Of course, that shake could be from Parkinson’s, but let’s not quibble over details.) What’s wrong with that dude, that he’s leave this delectable slice of White Trash Heaven? Shit, I’m ’bout ready to cash in some frequent flier miles so I can get out to Mesa to rescue this delicate little flower from the evil clutches of law enforcement. Look at her. She’s delightful. Like a breath of fresh air…wafting in over a landfill during the summer. Breaking up with her would’ve been Task #3 on my To-Do list, right after (1) Sober up, and (2) Take a long bath in a tub filled with isopropyl alcohol and Scope. And you gotta give it to the guy – he tried to do it the right way, by breaking up over the phone rather than facing this crazed mongoose with highlights in person. He knew what kind of psycho chick she was. He had to know. I bet the only reason the relationship lasted nine months was because it took him 7 months to formulate his brilliant plan. The only front he forgot to cover was setting bear traps around his front door and changing his locks. He better be glad a hammer is all she could get her hands on at the moment, ’cause if she’d gotten ahold of his miter saw, his shit woulda been all KINDS of dismembered by now. Wow. I just looked at her again. Her picture makes me sad and hurts my eyes at the same time. 

Peace.

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