Mama say, mama sah, mu-MA-ku-sah! That’s how I greet you on a Sunday evening, mi gente. I hope you’re all well. I’ve been busy gearing up for the band’s big Halloween show on October 27 at Tomcats, doing things like searching for costumes and wigs and whatnot (Oh, wait until I assemble the full getup. There will be pictures, there will be much embarrassment for me. Trust a brotha on this.) I’m not gonna say what I’m dressing up as just yet, but believe me, it’s COMPLETELY out-of-character for me. Let that anticipation be the fuel that keeps your soul fires burning.

Make sure you listen to the Badger The Witness show from today, because that shit was FUNNY, people. It’s right over there on the right, see? —->

Just click the link and listen. Not around the kids, though. We’re seasoned and spicy. Oh, and Elle looks like Tonya Harding. Random!

Now that I’m over the Death Sickness (that enveloped my lungs and throat like that ripped pair of purple pimp pants enveloped the oversized waist area of the Incredible Hulk) is gone, and my project schedule at work is slowing down, I should, SHOULD be able to (1) post more, and (2) read my blogging friends’ blogs more. I suck. But I’m good at it.

Enough chatter. You want what I’m gonna give you, don’t you? Say yes.

Say you want this diatribe.

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DUMAS, Ark. (AP) – A 10-year-old boy took a school bus and led police on a chase along a rural highway, according to police. School officials had spotted lights coming from the bus yard around 11 p.m. Friday night, and reported the bus stolen. Officers from three counties, four towns and Arkansas State Police began chasing the bus and its driver. Despite road spikes set up to slow the bus, the bus kept traveling north toward Little Rock along U.S. 65 through Desha and Lincoln counties, then into the next county of Jefferson. “Be advised, he missed them all. We’re now coming into town. Speed’s at 25 miles an hour,” officers said over a radio scanner. About 44 miles later, the bus slowed down enough for a sheriff’s deputy to make the stop in Pine Bluff, and officers discovered their suspect was a child. They cuffed the boy and took him into custody, then later released him to his parents. It wasn’t known whether the child would face charges.

See, I like it when children show initiative. This young man obviously had an agenda (which shows his organizational skills), the motivation to complete his task, and a good imagination (which displays his ingenuity and his ability to think outside of the bus – er, box). I wonder where the lad had to scamper off to at 11pm on a Friday night. I’m thinking either a late Boy Scout troop meeting, or a special Sunday School gathering out of town. Perhaps his parents were unavailable to take him, and instead of focusing on the problem, the little Einstein focused on the solution and figured out that he could still make it to the jamboree by halftime (if they even HAVE halftime – fuck if I know. I dropped outta that nonsense) if he just “borrowed” the vehicle he knows best to get there. All this is supported by the fact that he was only going about 25 miles per hour the entire trip, and pretty much was unstoppable for the duration. That means, like the Blues Brothers, he was on a mission from God. Let’s hope the stupid PO-PO didn’t interfere, because I’d hate to wake up to a mouthful of locusts all because the police couldn’t just let ONE school bus slide on by late one Friday night. Haters.

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EASTON, Pa. — A man who admitted he beat up his girlfriend’s 2-year-old son offered an excuse that angered a judge: He said he’s not a morning person. Juan Arreola, 20, pleaded guilty Friday to two counts each of endangering the welfare of a child, reckless endangerment and simple assault for kicking the boy across a room, squeezing his face and punching him in the chest. When Northampton County Judge F.P. Kimberly McFadden asked Arreola if that’s how he regularly treated 2-year-olds, he replied: “I was working till midnight. I’m not a morning person.” McFadden said she was almost speechless. “You’re going to look at me straight in the face and say ‘I’m not a morning person,’?” she asked. The judge ordered Arreola to undergo psychological and psychiatric evaluations and set sentencing for Dec. 14. The maximum penalty is a state prison term of more than 20 years. Arreola and his girlfriend were moving into their Easton apartment on June 7. The boy got in the way of Arreola, who was carrying boxes, so he kicked the child, prosecutors said. He then picked up the boy and squeezed the toddler’s face, bruising him. Three days later, Arreola was alone and caring for the boy when Arreola punched the boy twice to keep him awake, prosecutors said. Later that day, Arreola’s girlfriend brought the child to Easton Hospital.

Wow. “I’m not a morning person.” This is the new king of all dumb-ass reasons for doing something heinous and reprehensible. I should use this for every stupid thing I ever do from now on. Rob a bank? “I’m not a morning person.” Steal a Rascal from an old person? “I’m not a morning person.” Start thermonuclear war with Senegal? “I’m not a morning person.” What this guy did is so wrong that “I’m not a morning person” should be the phrase he’s made to repeat 2500 times a day while inmates attempt to invade his no-no hole using the dreadlock end of an industrial mop. Who punches a TWO YEAR OLD? Now, my support of corporal punishment is well-documented, and in fact my 8YO had to get lit up several times today for Failure to Properly Listen to Authority Figures, but Jesus Pleasus I’d NEVER EVER punch a child! (Midgets are an entirely different story. No offense intended towards midgetdom.) And really, I’ve never heard of punching a child to keep them awake. A college roommate? Sure. Or whack him in the head with your penis, whichever works best for you. But punching a kid? Was there no water to splash in his face (my preferred method)? Was there no sugar to feed him? Or (and this is a novel idea), what the flippity fuck was so wrong with letting the 2 year old take a damn nap? I swear, the girlfriend should have her ass beat too for putting this maniac around her child. And really, the man’s last name is Arreola. ARREOLA, PEOPLE? WHO MARRIES SOMEONE NAMED ARREOLA? So since there obviously was no future in that relationship, she should’ve put him out with the Tuesday trash and kept on strollin’, and maybe her son wouldn’t have a lifelong fear of nipples. Just sayin’.

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Dorset, England (AHN) — A teenage-girl just wanted to impress her mother by having the word “mum” tattooed on her back in Chinese letters. After the tattoo was completed, the girl found out that the symbols meant “Friend from hell.” A local paper said Charlene Williams, 19, only discovered something was wrong with her tattoo when a passing Chinese woman shouted at her, “Evil, evil, very bad.” “I was shocked and angry, Charlene said. “Dad joked it said chicken chow mein. It was worse than that.” The 19-year old girl said she paid $20.43 when she had the Chinese characters tattooed on her back four years ago in Poole, Dorset. After the horrifying incident, Charlene covered the characters with an image of a leaf design tattoo that cost $81.72.

Who gets a tattoo to impress their mom, unless Mom is in the Hell’s Angels? Get a tat for yourself, stupid! I’ve always wondered if this type of thing happens, because if you can’t read the language, how can you be sure of what you’re getting? And moreover, if the tattoo artist ALSO doesn’t read the language, he could be putting anything on your body, from Salman Rushdie’s home address to the recipe for key lime cheesecake. How would you know? You’d say “Oooh, that’s so cool! It means ‘Peace’ and ‘Love’.” And some Chinese person would roll up on you and say “No, it means ‘I have to take a monster shit after eating 4 chimichangas’.” And there you are, right where this chick wound up. Now, with this story in particular, you have to wonder one thing: what the hell did she think she’d be getting for only $20.43? Has anyone ever heard of any tattooist doing even the tiniest tat for a price that cheap? Hell, I want a bass clef on my bicep, nothing big or fancy, and it’s gonna cost well over $100, maybe even more. So either I need to go to England to get my ink, or she got the deal of the century.  Hell, on second thought, the covering tat was only $81, so maybe they ARE cheaper there. Still, for $20, she HAD to know that it wasn’t Leonardo da Vinci doing her work. It wasn’t even Leonardo di Caprio. It was Leo, di Drunkenman with a dirty needle and some time on his hands.

Peace.

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