Oh. My. God.

It has been far too long.

But it’s high time I brought my old staple back from the dead, resurrecting it on a wave of rampant stupidity that I can no longer ignore. Honestly, I’m not sure how some of these people breathe and walk at the same time without completely overloading their mental circuits and winding up walking in an asymmetrical circle outside of a Lowes, mumbling about the cost of drywall screws and kerosene. I’m glad they do manage to fall into the Stupid Pit daily, because I hear that laughter is the best medicine, and in that case, I’m healthy as a stable of horses owned by a veterinarian living on a PETA farm. In California. So are you as ready as I am to dive into this steaming pile of humanity? Just close your eyes and jump – their soft heads will break your fall.

Let’s diatribe.

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NASHVILLE, Tenn. – Police are asking for the public’s help in finding a woman accused of shooting an acquaintance over a hairdo. Nikeya Alston, 26, is named in an aggravated assault warrant for shooting 25-year-old Tiffany Jackson Friday night, according to a Metro police news release. Police said Alston was unhappy with the way Jackson’s roommate braided her hair on Thursday. She demanded that Jackson redo her hair, but Jackson refused. On Friday morning, Jackson’s car tires were flattened. Later in the day, she approached Alston outside her apartment. Alston, who was armed with a gun, shot Jackson before fleeing. Jackson was treated for a gunshot wound to her leg at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. Police said Alston’s arrest history includes charges such as assault, disorderly conduct, and vandalism.

You know, this story reminds me of something that happened to me in college. My boy Smuckers knew that I owned a pair of barber’s clippers that I used to cut my own hair, so one day during summer school he asked me if I’d hook him up with a haircut. Now, I had only cut my OWN hair, and had no experience cutting someone else’s. You’d think it’d be actually easier to cut another person’s hair, since you’re able to see their whole head, whereas when you’re cutting your own, you need two mirrors and the Hubble telescope to see your fat-ass noggin. But the thing is, if you fuck up your own hair, it’s cool. If you leave someone ELSE looking like they went to the Edward Scissorhands School of Cosmetology, it’s somewhat worse. I ‘splained to him that I was a solo act, but he said he didn’t mind that, and he really needed it cut, so I agreed. Now, Smuckers had a high top fade, because it was the year 1992 and that’s how we got down back then. Smuckers also had what black people call “good hair”- soft, wavy, and totally not like mine. So I tried, people. I tried to cut that black cotton candy he called hair. I tried to give him a high top fade like he wanted. What he got looked like a topographical map of Serbia after 10 days of bombing. I apologized…a lot…and he was very cool about it, but to be real, I fucked his hair up. After reading this story, I’m just glad he didn’t shoot me.

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BREMERTON The 27-year-old Poulsbo woman told police officers she promised sexual favors to a man if he bought her alcohol early Wednesday morning. But after getting two bottles of inexpensive fortified wine, she used one to hit him in the forehead. Bremerton police were called to the 7-Eleven convenience store at 802 Sixth Street at about 12:58 a.m. after receiving word of an assault, reports said. There they found the 48-year-old Seattle man with two large gashes on his forehead from a bottle of Thunderbird wine. The woman told officers after the man gave her the wine he began badgering her. “He was telling her she needed to follow through with her end of the deal and then he started pushing and grabbing her,” the report said. The man denied he made such an agreement. He said after buying the woman the wine, she hit him for no reason. Witnesses at the scene told officers they saw the woman approach the man from behind, ask him to drink with her and then hit him. The woman was arrested and booked into the Kitsap County jail for an outstanding felony warrant for assault and violation of a no-contact order, and also for second-degree assault stemming from the wine-bottle assault.

Some people just don’t value a thoughtful gift. He was buying her alcohol, and she had the temerity (I love that word) to jump bad on him just because he brought her Thunderbird (don’t let the fruity taste fool ya)? That’s what’s wrong with the world today. A person can’t make a booze-for-cooze agreement anymore without someone breaking the deal and acting like an extra from an old spaghetti western. And really…if someone’s getting you free liquor, are you really in any position to argue about the quality thereof? At least it was Thunderbird, and not Mad Dog 20/20 or Boone’s Farm. Those would’ve been downright insulting. Perhaps he should’ve stepped his game up, since allegedly the (I’m sure) lovely lady was going to let him loosen up her buttons (or velcro, so she can have that “ready to go in the game” maneuver like NBA players do). He should’ve at least gotten her some Rold Gold pretzels and a mesh NASCAR hat while he was in there. I betcha that would’ve sealed the deal, and homeboy would be eagerly awaiting his STD test today instead of changing the dressing on his head wound. And she would’ve still had her liquor. But did you notice that he got her two bottle, but she only used one against him? You know that heffa was still gonna drink the other bottle. You know this.

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NEW YORK (Jan. 9) – Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said. David J. Dalaia and James O’Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron’s body from the Manhattan apartment that O’Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police. “The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side,” Browne said. The men left Cintron’s body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store’s clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O’Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said. A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron’s body, and “it’s immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead,” Browne said. The detective called uniformed New York Police Department officers at a nearby precinct. Emergency medical technicians arrived as O’Hare and Dalaia were preparing to wheel Cintron’s body into the check-cashing store, Browne said. Police arrested Dalaia and O’Hare there, he said. Cintron’s body was taken to a hospital morgue. The medical examiner’s office told police it appeared Cintron, 66, had died of natural causes within the previous 24 hours, Browne said. “He was deceased in the apartment when he was removed by these two,” Browne said. Dalaia and O’Hare, both 65, were being held by police and faced check fraud charges, Browne said.

Show of hands from everyone who immediately thought of “Weekend At Bernies”. Come on, put ’em up in the air. No shame in this game. Ok, I count one, two, three….seven. Seven of you thought “Weekend At Bernie’s”, and not a one of you thought about the closest example of all – “Weekend At The Geriatric Ward of Rikers Prison Where You Don’t Grab Your Ankles ‘Cause You’ll Throw Your Back Out”. This is the funniest shit ever. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why they (a) brought the corpse with them; (b) wheeled it down the street in plain sight in the middle of the day, strapped to an office chair; and (c) left the poor dead man OUTSIDE while they went in to cash his check! Why didn’t they just go to the Pay-O-Matic (and truly, is there a better name for a check cashing place than this? I think not.) without Mr. Cintron and try to cash his check THAT way? Because honestly, I can’t see how rolling his postmortem ass up in there was gonna help their cause any. I mean, once the dude behind the counter noticed his head was lolling around like Courtney Love at a Phish concert, what was their game plan? Run? On THOSE hips? Please. And then what? Just wheel him on back to his apartment and prop him up again? Or would they take him to a bar and have a Guiness while they talked about the good ol’ days before rolling him down Broadway like a runaway shopping cart? Either way, I blame Alzheimer’s. 

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RETAIL bosses may have to issue bizarre health warnings on its clothing mannequins – after a punter said he got his MANHOOD trapped in one. The man, 31, rang officials at an online firm to whinge that he got “part of himself” stuck in a 24mm hole on a female display bust. The unnamed customer from Doncaster, South Yorks, had ordered the display mannequin over the internet mistakenly thinking it was an adult sex toy. He had to use a pair of heavy duty scissors to cut the dummy and set himself free.  Steve Whittle, the marketing manager of Displaysense said: “I’m stunned by this incident.”

A couple of things:

  • I should hope that the manager would be “stunned” by this crazy shit. If it was normal, I’d question him, his store, and all of reality itself.
  • Who orders a mannequin, thinking it’s a sex doll? Adam & Eve don’t sell to department stores, and last time I checked, Kim Cattrall hasn’t transformed to a human being since “Big Trouble In Little China”. Bad juju.
  • Who gets a mannequin instead of a sex doll, and PUTS HIS PENIS IN ANYWAY? Mannequins feel NOTHING like sex dolls. Not that I’d know. I’m guessing here. Moving on.
  • And really….let’s be real. 24 millimeters is 2.4 centimeters, which is roughly 1 inch. His weenis got caught in a hole 1 inch in diameter. I’m no scientist, but I think that means he’s got an itty bitty peepee, people, and maybe he ought to stick to things more appropriate for his girth, like Cheerios, the eyes of needles, button holes, key rings, miniature shot glasses, wine bottle openings, coin wrappers, pencil sharpeners, or naked mole rats. But that last one would just be cruel, ’cause the mole rat wouldn’t even feel it.
  • Dear lord. Find a woman. Please. Do it for the other mannequins out there who you’ve assaulted, dude.

It’s good to be back.

Peace.

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