HEY HEY HEY! It’s Daaaaaaaaaark Damian! And I’m gonna sing a song for youuuuuu… and you might learn a thing or two…. we’ll hear about the guy, who tried suicide… he failed and fought a dude, then the fucker DIEEEED! La la la, gonna have a good time! HEY HEY HEY!

Yes, I just totally serenaded you with the theme from “Fat Albert”, because quite frankly, I rock it like that. This is a week of weeks, folks, ’cause on Friday, I will fly the friendly skies to lovely Denver, Colorado, where I will commune with the likes of HotDrWife, Fyrchk, and Elle the Dread Pirate, along with a slew of local like Cliz and Howard and many others. It will be chaos, mass confusion, and a little bit of carnage. I’m sure there will be a full report afterwards. But for now, eat of this diatribe, and call it tasty.

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HARTFORD, Conn. – Four people pleaded guilty to reduced charges in the death of a teenage runaway who was allegedly killed during a Monopoly game. In April, Hartford police found the battered body of 18-year-old Alexandria Clouse-Desmond in a microwave-oven box in a closet in a Hartford apartment. On Wednesday, Michael Davis, 22, and Darzell Weinstein, 19, pleaded guilty to manslaughter and tampering with evidence charges. Under the deal, they will each serve 18 years in prison. Tiara Dixon, 19, and Leslie Cara-Ballo, 19, pleaded guilty to accessory to commit manslaughter. They will serve 12 years in prison under the deal.

Damn, I guess homeboy shouldn’t have put those hotels on Boardwalk. This phenomenon, which is growing more and more prevalent, is something I’ll never get. How does any game, particularly a game that involves yellow money and a little man in a top hat. What could possibly occur that would escalate from “Hey, I have all for railroads” to “I’m gonna stomp your ass if you don’t let me have the Electric Company”? Part of me reacts the way a lot of people do…too much violence on TV and video games, a desensitized view of life and pain, diminished concept of consequences…all horseshit. These people? Crazy. No amount of Grand Theft Auto or “The Sopranos” makes you think it’s acceptable to kill another human being over a board game. No song lyrics make you run out and beat someone over some insult or offense, real or imagined. These people are crazy, they’ve BEEN crazy for a while, and someone had to know about it. The only other thing I have to say is this – Darzell Weinstein? Seriously? How do you get a black and Jewish name like that? And why would anyone name a child “Tiara”? She’ll be getting crowned often in jail for the next 12 years, so perhaps it’s fitting. In fact, since none of these evil people could handle Monopoly, I bet they’ll be Sorry when they’re faced with all that Trouble they’re gonna be in. But hey, that’s Life. If they don’t guard their Chutes and Ladders, their asses will be Candyland in the joint. For real.

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Homicide detectives are investigating the bizarre death of a San Diego man after his suicide attempt turned into a fight with his girlfriend. According to police, Sevan Kevorkian’s girlfriend found him hanging from a closet rod in his apartment on Hamilton Street in North Park last Saturday. Investigators said that after she cut him down and revived him, Kevorkian, 36, started pulling her around the room by her hair. Police said the altercation was noticed by a man and woman who were pulling up in a vehicle in the neighborhood. The man climbed through a window to stop the assault and put Kevorkian in a carotid restraint, which is sometimes called a sleeper hold. Kevorkian lost consciousness and was taken to the hospital. Officials said he died a little before midnight on Thursday. The man who allegedly assisted Kevorkian’s girlfriend was questioned by police and released. Officials said that after detectives complete their investigation, the district attorney’s office will review the facts of the case.

Sometimes….the diatribes just right themselves. In times like these, my only job is to point out the areas of emphasis, like a doctor showing an MRI result to a patient. Pay close attention to the fact that the man was killed after being thwarted in his suicide attempt. See the irony? It’s right there, just behind the superior stupida humanis. And notice that the unfortunate man’s name happened to be Sevan Kervorkian? SEVAN KERVORKIAN? How does a bastard end up with a lucky-as-hell first name (Sevan, like Seven), and the last name of Dr. Death? I wonder if they’re related, ’cause there can’t be too many Kervorkians strolling around, flipping burgers and selling insurance. Could you imagine rolling up into State Farm and having to get some renter’s insurance from Rufus Kervorkian, Insurance Agent? Wouldn’t you make sure you paid your premiums in a timely manner if you knew ol’ Rufus had your home address and knew how to change your beneficiaries? Yeah. Your payment would be there 4 days early, each and every month. But getting back to the story, you’d think that a dude named Kervorkian would be, you know, depressed or something, seeing as how he was trying to hang himself beside his Chargers jersey and a suit he’s worn exactly 3 times, but he came out firing on all cylinders when his girlfriend cut his dumb ass down. Doesn’t this defy logic? At any rate, it’s fitting that his life that he tried to end on a rope in a closet, actually ended in a choke hold by a guy who climbed through a window. Fellas, keep your hands off of women. You never know when she might fuck up your suicide and get you killed.

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A Tempe home was destroyed Tuesday night after a weed burner burned more then just the weeds, fire officials said. The homeowner in the 4000 block of South Beck Avenue was trimming his weeds with a weed burner, a candy cane-shaped appliance that has a propane tank attached to it, when he got too close to his house and a spark got up under the wood frame on the outside of the house. The spark went up through the chimney and into the attic, according to the Tempe Fire Department. After trying to put out the fire himself, he called the Tempe Fire Department at about 7:30 p.m. Firefighters were able to control the blaze in about 20 minutes, but not before the gable roof of this single-family home collapsed. Homeowner was able to get his cat out safely. Neither he nor the cat was injured.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is how a day can go from decent to fucktacular in less than a minute. First of all, am I the only person who has never heard of a weed burner? The only kind of weed burner I know of is called a ‘bong’, and you don’t use it in horticulture, per se. I’m thinking maybe this dude had a wee bit too much of THAT kind of weed burner before trying to make his yard look nicer. “PFFFFFFFFFT! Damn, this is some good Mary Jane. I need to give Doodles some mad props for this shit, for real. Hell yeah, man. I need to do somethin’ ’bout these weeds in my yard…hahaha, I said ‘weed’! Shiiiiit, I don’t feel like picking them, and I spent my RoundUp money on baloney and Skittles….hmm. I’m burning THIS weed, so why can’t I burn THOSE weeds? I’m a damn genius, I swear to God. This is gonna be sooooo easy.” Imagine explaining this to State Farm. And if you’re that cat, I bet you’re less than thrilled with Mr. Flame Thrower here, ’cause that night he was playing that Talking Heads record over and over still pops back into your memory like a bad tuna sandwich in July, and now you get the twitches every time you hear “Burning Down The House”. If I was that cat, I’d piss in his shoe at every opportunity, and I’d DARE HIM to say shit to me about it. 

And this next thing? This is just funny as hell. It’s all about the badger, baby!

Peace.

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