Lawd have mercy, Kim Kardashian. I never even heard of you before you made that sex tape with singer Brandy’s little brother Ray J, and now you’ve completely overtaken Eva Mendes in my “I Would Hurt Myself Getting With Her” poll. Have you seen her pics?  My monitor damn-near melted, and I KNOW I saw some condensation on my glasses. I’m so glad you’re famous, Kim K. Welcome to my world. In other news, my band has a gig Friday night at the Ridglea Theater in Fort Worth, and a brotha is NERVOUS! It’s a huge show for us, and this venue is one of the premier places in the Metroplex – and we’re HEADLINING. So if you’re in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, get your Kardashian-sized booty on down to the show.

Y’all ready for this? Well then, without delay…let’s diatribe.

(go Obama!)

———————-

UXBRIDGE, Mass. — A convicted Level 3 sex offender has won $10 million in the Massachusetts State Lottery. The Worcester Gazette & Telegram reports 56-year-old Daniel Snay, of Uxbridge, could now face charges because he failed to notify authorities that he had moved, according to Connecticut State Police.“I’m flabbergasted,” Connecticut State Police Lt. Paul Vance told the Telegram. “His whereabouts, until you told me about this, have been unknown to us. But I guess you could say he’s very fortunate.” Snay works driving trucks for a yacht dealership in Mendon. He won the $10 million from a $20 scratch ticket purchased at Cumberland Farms in Hopedale. But the lottery winnings also come with unwanted publicity.“He was concerned, but there’s not much you can do about it,” said Snay’s lawyer Joseph M. Fabricotti. “We talked about it and he understood this was one of the repercussions that could happen.” Snay’s record of sexual assaults dates back to 1974. He has been convicted six times of indecent assault and battery in Massachusetts. Level 3 offenders are considered the most dangerous and the most likely to commit another crime.

Some guys have all the luck. Not that being a Level 3 sex offender is lucky, per se, but he’s a Level 3 sex offender with 10 million reasons not to be a recidivist again. (“Recidivist”, folks, means “repeat offender”. I’m here to help.) And this is the second convicted felon in a couple of months who hit the lottery. Is this the key? Do I need to commit a felony, get caught and convicted, and then released after serving my time? Shouldn’t be TOO hard – I’m black and in the south, after all. Shit ain’t fair, man. Honestly though, he’s got bigger fish to fry now than whether NAMBLA has his most current mailing address, because now his neighbors know that he’s a sex offender AND he’s got $10 million. This is a potentially lethal double-whammy, because not only do the Johnsons suddenly learn that nice Mr. Snay is a sex offender of the highest order, but he’s RICH, bitch! Can’t you see how this is gonna play out now? Let’s examine:

(knock on the door)
Sex offender: “Yeah, who is it?”
Kid: “Billy, from across the street. Say, let me borrow $500,000 and your vacuum cleaner.”
SO: “Say what?”
Kid: “You heard me, Perv Griffin. Give me the loot. And make it snappy…”The Fairly OddParents is coming on.”
SO: “Um…no. Go away. ”
Kid: “So, you’re saying you’re NOT gonna give me what I want, Mr. Level 3 Sex Offender? And don’t try anything – I’ve got a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle walkie-talkie taped to my chest, and my dad’s got the cops on speed dial. Don’t get any ideas.”
SO (sighing): “Do you take a check?”
Kid: “The only check I’ll take from you is a background check. Pay me in dimes, mofo.”

(And if you don’t know what NAMBLA is, google it yourself. I will NOT put a link to them on my blog. I won’t even link to the Wikipedia entry. Damn all that.)

————————-

CORSICANA – Police say the driver of a bus filled with about 40 former prison inmates abandoned the vehicle Thursday along a highway because her working hours for the day were over. The passengers had been paroled or released from the state prison in Huntsville. Some wore ankle bracelet monitors. They were aboard a Greyhound charter headed to a bus terminal in Dallas, but wound up 60 miles short. “In 31 years in law enforcement I’ve never seen anything like this,” Corsicana Police Sgt. Lamoin Lawhon told the Corsicana Daily Sun. Police said the bus was chartered from Greyhound Bus Lines Inc. The driver pulled over in front of a convenience store around 4 p.m. and told the passengers her allotted driving time was up and another driver was on the way. A clerk in the convenience store called police. Officers arrived to find the former prisoners milling around the bus. Police said dispatchers exchanged several phone calls with Greyhound officials and the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in Austin. Lawhon and two other officers stayed with the bus and the parolees. Just before 7 p.m., a second bus arrived with three drivers – including the one who had abandoned her passengers in the first place, Lawhon said. Greyhound spokesman Dustin Clark declined to identify the driver who left the bus. He said company officials were investigating the incident. “It is a very serious matter,” he said. Clark said drivers have to follow strict guidelines on consecutive working hours and rest periods. Police said there were no incidents involving the passengers while they were stranded. “Their behavior was exemplary,” said Officer Travis Wallace.

See, this is the essence of following the letter of the law, but not the spirit. When 4 o’clock struck, Ms. Buslady pulled over, slid down the brontosaurus tail, and broke out. Post office employees don’t leave with that level of quickness, and they had to deal with the anthrax AND with holiday shipping. What isn’t explained is (a) why didn’t she find out some important things ahead of time, such as when they were leaving, how long it takes to get there…little things like that, which could’ve helped the dumb woman figure out her schedule a bit better, and (b) how she got home (or back to work, from the sounds of things) after she abandoned these folks. Did she have a car waiting? If so, the whole thing was premeditated, and that’s pretty fucked up. Did she take a taxi? It would’ve cost her more to take a cab home than the amount of overtime pay she might’ve received had she worked just a little while longer. Seriously, I can’t figure out why she chose that time and that place to just abandon these people tryin’ to make it to Dallas so they could see 2932093 malls and the place where JFK got shot. And whatever her plan was, it was doomed for failure, seeing as how she was one of the drivers on the bus that came BACK to get them. Crisis of conscious? Realization of a deed done wrong? Or a note on her car back at the prison that read “Bitch, if you don’t get your trifling ass back down to the Circle K in Corsicana RIGHT NOW, you’ll find out what it’s like to BE newly-released, in about 3-5 years. MOVE YOUR ASS!”? I bet it was that whole realization thing. Lucky for her these folks were on their way out, and not on their way in, or that Circle K might’ve been a burning pile of Doritos and motor oil when she got back. And then where would she buy her scratch-offs?

——————-

Stafford County Sheriffs have arrested 20 year-old Lorenzo Herbert for the armed robbery of the McDonalds Restaurant at 766 Warrenton Road in Stafford County Saturday, February 16, shortly after midnight. Officers were dispatched to a robbery in progress at the McDonalds Restaurant at 766 Warrenton Road in Stafford County. Authorities were informed that a recently fired employee had just robbed the restaurant with a handgun and had walked out a side door and was walking down Plantation Drive. A description of the suspect was given and officers quickly made an arrest. Herbert was found with cash stolen from the McDonalds, a black ski mask, some marijuana and a BB gun that looked exactly like a hand gun. Herbert had been fired earlier in the evening and had returned to the restaurant prior to closing. He put a mask over his face, went behind the counter and forced the manger to the store safe. After showing the manger the gun in his pants the manger turned over the cash. At that point Herbert ordered the manger into the walk-in freezer. Among the charges against him are armed robbery and use of a firearm in the commission of a felony.

Remember way back when, when I was gonna open an academy for training criminals on how to not be stupid? You ‘member. I was complaining about the vast reservoir of dumb that these people dip into whenever they get the bright idea to commit a crime before really thinking it all the way through first, and how I could help them avoid capture and hurting others by opening this school, and then narc’ing to the authorities to get paid on both ends. Brilliant plan, yes? Well, after reading shit like this, I get all excited and start thinking about actual business plans and small business loans. Someone please explain to me why anyone with a third of a brain would return to a job they were fired from THAT VERY DAY, and rob the place, with the people he worked with still there, who would surely recognize his voice! This is so far beyond dumb that Dumb had to buy a map and a GPS system just to get back to its neighborhood. To make a bad decision worse, he fled the scene…on foot. OK, I’ve never robbed anything (that I’m gonna tell you about), but I’m pretty sure that if I did, I’d arrange some type of faster transportation besides Adidas power! Who robs a place and then strolls off, with a pocketful of cash, weed, ski mask, and a BB gun? And that takes me to Point #2: A BB gun is an ingenious choice of weaponry, particularly if you don’t really want to hurt anyone (except to maybe put their eye out). But here’s the thing – in the committal of a felony, it just doesn’t fucking matter. You could use a banana in your pocket, and it’s treated the same when (not if) your silly ass gets arrested. And what would he have done if the manager whipped out his OWN gun, and played a nice game of Whose Bullet Hurts More with this idiot? I’m about to pop a blood vessel just thinking about all the high-level stupidity committed by Herbert. In fact, I’m going to address him directly, something I rarely do. Hey, Herbert! I hope you feel real good, getting revenge on those suckas at the Mickey D’s like that. Bravo, playa. Listen; you’ll have plenty of time to think about the flaws, weak points, deficiencies, soft areas, blind spots, and overall fuckedupedness in your poorly thought-out master plan. Think long and hard, Herbert. You could’ve been filling out applications to Subway right now, but instead, your cellmate will be using your ass as his own personal subway instead. Remember – breathe out. Idiot.

Peace.

Advertisements