It’s been ages since I’ve done a diatribe, mainly because I suck. I admit it openly. For some reason, I’ve lost my a lot of my drive for the long-form narrative, which happens to be my specialty. At the same time (and not to toot my own horn, because if I COULD toot my own horn, you’d never hear from me again – tangent), I do realize that there are folks who enjoy checking my little piece of virtual real estate to see what nonsense I’ve spewed most recently. I have not done a good job of supplying you with the freshness, so I’m gonna try a new tactic: shorter posts.

In keeping with that notion, I’m gonna give you a little diatribe, a diatribe junior, if you will. Maybe it’ll help jump-start my muses, those lazy bitches.

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Police arrested a man and charged him with second-degree kidnapping after a brief standoff at a lingerie store. Matthew Alexander Rivera, 27, of Hope Mills, was arrested by the Fayetteville Police Department after a standoff at “Priscilla’s” at 3800 Sycamore Dairy Road. Officers responded to a possible robbery. Upon arrival they were notified that the subject was still inside the business with the store manager, and was in possession of a device that appeared to be a bomb. Nearby businesses were evacuated and roads near the business were blocked off to traffic.Officials say Rivera surrendered without further incident. He is charged with second-degree kidnapping and perpetrating a hoax by use of a false bomb. The Fayetteville Observer reported that the bomb was made out of Play-Doh, batteries and a wire arranged to look like an explosive. Rivera is currently in the Cumberland County Detention Center under a $25,000 bond.

Boy, did I pick a doozy to come back with! Now, before I truly start breaking down the story of this MENSA candidate and his brilliant scheme, let me first put his picture up for all to see. You’ll thank me for this.

OK. Please. Someone tell me what the deal is with the facial tats. Or was this simply a fingerprinting incident gone awry? Obviously a man who decides that a lingerie store (I bet he pronounces it “LING uh REE”) is the ideal place for a hold-up has brains in his favor, right? This is not an interviewing face. This is not the face of a man filling out applications for Applebee’s or college admission. This is the face of a man who has watched “Jackass” like it was research for his doctoral thesis. This is the face of a man who thinks Hot Pockets are Nature’s perfect food. This is the face of a man who expected to find a windfall in a place that sells thongs and teddies, a place where most purchases are probably made via check or credit card. Absolutely brilliant. Now, let’s look beyond the Mike Tyson/Locutus of Borg/Run Over By A Tractor exterior, and look at the crime itself. At what point did Priscilla’s become a hot spot for robbery? Was every 7-Eleven and Circle K closed that day? Hell, even Racetrac would probably just hand over the cash, and you’d get a Mountain Dew icee in the process. What was he aiming for at a lingerie store? A free pair of cheetah-print thongs? Secondly, using a bomb to hold up a store is chock full of fail. It’s like using a Chevy Avalanche to iron your friend’s clothes. While he’s still wearing them. And for the love of all that’s holy, if you’re going to use a bomb threat to score the $262.51 from the register at Priscilla’s, please make sure you have something that more closely resembles a REAL bomb, and not something that looks like a 4 year old should be eating it. For the uninitiated, Play-Doh semi sorta looks like C4, or plastic explosives. Make no mistake – plastic explosives are very powerful and devastating, and not to be trifled with. The thing is, a guy like ol’ Matthew here has about as much chance of actually getting some plastic explosives in his possession as I have of getting Kim Kardashian’s booty to return my phone calls. As a cop, when I walk into the lingerie store where a bomb threat has been called in, I’m more nervous than Al Gore waiting for royalty checks from inventing the internet. But when I see this contraption that looks like it was shoplifted from Toys ‘R’ Us and assembled by a ruthless gang of 4 year olds, I think I’d have a hard time cuffing ol’ Archimedes on account of all the laughter-induced convulsions. I wonder if he’ll post bond with Monopoly money.

Peace.

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