Happy Thanksgetting, everyone! I hope everyone travels safely and eats irresponsibly today, because truly, that’s what today’s all about. You may have noticed that I renamed the holiday. I did that to more accurately represent and reflect the real human sentiment of the day, because as fulfilling as it is to genuinely give, we all get a deeper, more animalistic pleasure from getting. But unlike Christmas, where we tend to expect to get material things such as iPods and credit card statements, Thanksgetting is more about the intangible things – hold up.

OK, I was just watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, and the singing float for Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends just got Rickrolled – by the real Rick Astley! Maybe 20% of people watching will even get what happened, but me and DWW just busted out laughing when we saw it. Classic. Oh, and there’s a marching band (Second Time Arounders) that is comprised completely of old people. It’s simultaneously the coolest and saddest thing I’ve seen all week. Now back to my original train of thought. Captain Tangent!

Like I was saying, Thanksgetting is more about the intangible things, such as getting to eat like a pig with a tapeworm, and getting to skip work for no good reason, and getting to watch football with your pants unfastened. It’s for getting sleepy after eating, for getting to shop like a crazed weasel on Black Friday, and getting some seriously sweet deals. It’s also for getting to spend time with family and friends, and to get along with each other. Hence my name change.

It’s also a time to be thankful for the many good things in our lives, such as the aforementioned family and friends, the food, our health, and about a thousand other things that we tend to take for granted throughout the year. But amidst you closing your eyelids and whispering sweet thank yous to whatever deity you worship (I think Buddha is underrepresented, but that’s just me), don’t forget to be thankful for all the little things you have day to day, too. Make sure you’re thankful for:

  • Bacon
  • That parking space that just opened up as you entered the row
  • The last stamp in the book when you thought you were completely out
  • Apple juice
  • Portable digital music players
  • Funky ringtones
  • Parents who don’t discuss Vietnam-era injuries in delicate areas
  • Cable television
  • Satellite television (unless it’s cloudy, or stormy, or if a strong breeze is blowing)
  • DVR
  • Bacon (worth mentioning more than once)
  • French tips
  • $1.79 gas
  • “It Takes Two” by Robb Base and DJ E-Z Rock
  • Good books with good endings (not YOU, Patricia Cornwell)
  • Bass guitars (OK, maybe just me)
  • Quiet children who aren’t up to no good
  • The movie “300”
  • Big booties and boobies
  • Wal-mart
  • Country music (so rednecks won’t try to sing rap songs)
  • The internet
  • Bacon (What? I really like it!)
  • Turkey (even though we’re eating ham today)
  • The smell of your favorite fried food
  • Satin
  • Rain without thunderstorms
  • Funny people
  • Specifically, people who can make you shoot beverages through your nostrils with laughter
  • Seasoned salt
  • Gravy (this is for you, Elle)
  • Good report cards
  • Rum
  • Found money
  • Hedgehogs (they’re so damn cute!)
  • People who can sing. I mean, really sing
  • Massages
  • Movies that end up not sucking, like “Iron Man” (which does not suck)
  • Barbie rooms (this is for you, Jana S)
  • Satellite radio
  • “Ninja Warriors” on G4
  • Everyone you love, and who loves you
  • Tang
  • Bacon (I’d marry it if it wasn’t for Proposition 8 )

Happy Thanksgetting, everyone!