Hello my people! I’d apologize for not posting as much, but honestly….that’s just how it is these days. Brothaman still doesn’t have a car, so I’m busy arranging transportation to and from every single place I want to go. Dallas is simply not set up for public transportation, and I’ve been relying on the kindness of truckers and strangers to get me to work and to my other various and sundry places to be. OK, that’s a lie – DWW and I have just been sharing the one car we have left, and though it’s kind of a pain in the rear, it beats walking. Plus I get to work on time now.

Aside from recovering from my concussion and wrangling with the State of South Carolina (ask me if I’ve gotten my settlement money yet. Ask me if I’ve gotten the damn TITLE to my Jeep yet.  Just ask me.), I’ve been avoiding doing the one thing I promised myself and my pants that I’d do this year: work out. Even though I have a standing bet with Elle regarding reaching our individual goals, I’ve gotten off to a slow start. Part of the reason, I think, is that I’ve been kinda down since the accident – partly due to my favorite ride now being null and void, and also due to some work-related nonsense that I’m not getting into on here. Suffice it to say that there’s been some uncertainty, and that uncertainty has certainly made me a little edgy and wary. Or waredgy. Yeah, I like “waredgy”.  Whatever the reason, I’ve been fooling around, not working out, or even worse, half-assed working out by doing good on one day, but then pigging out and doing nothing for 3 straight days. That ain’t gonna cut it. Enter Jillian Micheals.

Don’t know who she is? She’s the task-mastering, mean-talking, slave-driving member of “The Biggest Loser”‘s training team. You know, THIS lady:

Lets get physical. Please.

Let's get physical. Please.

Yeah. You can plainly see why she’s a trainer: she’s insanely hot, and she’s faintly reminiscent of Linda Hamilton from “Terminator 2”. 

I will make a fist-shaped hole in your chest.

I will make a fist-shaped hole in your chest.

Anyway, in addition to making morbidly obese people cry and run until they vomit, she has her own workout routine that you (yes, you) can do at home. None of it is unique, and she doesn’t sell any special equipment (I’m still pissed off with Body By Jake, incidentally).

 

Thanks for the nice clothes rack, Jake. Ass.

Thanks for the nice clothes rack, Jake. Ass.

But what she did do was organize a group of common exercises in a manner that would make a triathlete quiver in fear. DWW has been a member of the Jillian Army for several weeks, and I’ve basically scoffed at the idea of doing a workout routine from a lady on TV who yells at fat people. Then I realized something: I AM fat people! Sure, I’m not at the “eating Breyers ice cream with a table spoon” level that the people on TV are, but facts are facts: I’m fat, and I need to lose weight. Period. And since there’s no diet consisting entirely of bacon, nor is there a workout regimen that involves clicking the buttons on my mouse, it’s obviously time to do something about it. Today was the first day I started working on the Jillian workout, and DWW had to train me up a bit. Every day has a different set of exercises, and here’s what today had in store:

5 minutes of warm-up

Circuit 1 (2 sets of each): 

  • 15 dumbbell rows
  • 15 side lunges
  • 1 minute of jumping rope

Circuit 2 (2 sets of each):

  • 15 bicep curls
  • 15 squats
  • 1 minute of jumping jacks

Circuit 3 (2 sets of each):

  • 15 hammer curls
  • 15 plank twists
  • 1 minute of jumping rope

Circuit 4 (2 sets of each):

  • 15 reverse-grip curls
  • 15 bicycle crunches
  • 1 minute of jumping rope

Circuit 5 (2 sets of each):

  • 15 Supermans
  • 15 pelvic thrusts
  • 1 minute of jumping jacks

5 minutes of cool down

Now, here’s what actually happened for me.

5 minutes of jacking around and doing half-assed yoga on Wii Fit

Circuit 1 (2 sets of each): 

  • 15 dumbbell rows
  • 15 side lunges
  • 45 seconds of jumping rope the 1st time; about 30 jumps the 2nd time

Circuit 2 (2 sets of each):

  • 15 bicep curls
  • 10 squats; 5 squats while complaining loudly
  • 30 seconds  of jumping jacks; then about 15 jacks the 2nd time

Circuit 3 (2 sets of each):

  • 15 hammer curls
  • 15 plank twists the 1st time; 7 twists and about 1 minute of hurting the 2nd time
  • 30 reps of jumping rope

Circuit 4 (2 sets of each):

  • 15 reverse-grip curls
  • 15 bicycle crunches the 1st time; 0 the 2nd time due to insane cramping
  • About 26 reps of jumping rope

Circuit 5 (2 sets of each):

  • 3 sets of 5  Supermans (laying on your belly, arms and legs extending until they’re off the floor)
  • 15 pelvic thrusts (I rock at pelvic thrusts)
  • 30 reps  of jumping jacks

5 minutes of dying on the carpet, breathing like a catfish on a muddy riverbank

And that’s pretty close to being accurate. The workout lasted  just under 30 minutes, and I felt like I had just run 2 marathons and from the cops. Since DWW’s been doing this for a few weeks, she was just kinda standing there, looking at me as though to say “You big baby.” She was barely even breathing hard, the hussy! Meanwhile, every muscle in my torso quivered right at the brink of total and complete crampular lockdown, and the only thing that stopped them was their pity on my out of shape ass, plus the promise of ice cream. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING, PEOPLE! Have you ever had a ribcage cramp? Have you? I have. They suck more than “Cop Rock”. I’ll do whatever it takes to fend them off. To top matters off,  the kids wanted to go swimming at the gym, so that came immediately after my near-death experience at the hands of Killingyou – I mean Jillian – Micheals. And even though I had a chance to soak in the jacuzzi at the gym, I still swam on top of the heinous workout, meaning that right now as I type this, even my eyelids hurt. My arm hair hurts. I bet my mom has a couple minor aches and pains from this. 

But even though I have a mind full of venom toward the exercise chick, she did put together a regimen that works every muscle group (at the same time, it feels like), and that can be completed in 30 minutes or less, so I’ll keep doing it. 

Except for those crunches. Those can kiss my ass. 

Peace.

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