What up, pimps and pimpettes? The Ides of March are upon us! (Google it if you don’t know. I ain’t your damn Wikinegropedia.)  I finally got off the schnide and decided to crank out a ‘tribe, just to see if I still have it. I’m gonna so my best to at least write more frequently than once per month, because I DO have some cool things going on. For example, even though I quit the band a few months ago, I’m still playing music, now with my friends Sarah and Dru. It’s a lot of fun, very relaxed and low-key, and perfect for me. We don’t have a name, but we do have a good time when we perform. Also, DWW and I saw “Gran Torino” last night – that’s right, a real movie, in the movie theater! And not even a matinee! “Gran Torino” is great, people.  Go see it if you haven’t. And take a notepad, ’cause you’re gonna hear racial slurs that you ain’t never heard in your natural life, and hundreds of ’em coming at rapid fire. It was impressive in its ingenuity and vulgarity. I recommend you go see it. But before you do…

..let’s diatribe. Yeah.

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(Asheville Citizen-Times) ARDEN – A man who arrived home Friday after a flight got quite a surprise when he opened his suitcase. Firefighters responded about 10:15 p.m. to a residence on Rocky Mountain Way in Arden. The man arrived home after landing in Charlotte, opened his baggage and saw a snake, Skyland Fire Department Capt. Kevin Bartlett said.  “He stepped back and called us. We went in and determined it was a rubber snake,” Barlett said. “We handed it to him and left.” Bartlett said the man did not know where the snake came from or who could have put it there.

The Citizen-Times writes this story as though homeboy did something wrong by calling the fire department upon finding an unbeknownst reptile amongst his boxer briefs and poorly-wrapped snow globe from Dayton, Ohio. In fact, if that was me, several things would’ve happened in quick succession:

  • I would have immediately and completely soiled my own boxer briefs.
  • I would have screamed like a bitch.
  • My screaming would have incited even more fear-induced defecation, which would have subsequently surprised me in its fullness, given that I had just now finished jacking up my undies a few minutes prior.
  • I would have leaped to the ceiling fan and clung to it like Shaggy or Scooby-Doo upon witnessing something spooky.
  • If my cell phone made it through my bowel evacuation without damage or shame of associating with me, I would called every agency known to mankind, including the fire department, the police, the FBI, the CIA (what? I have their number), FEMA, the ATF, the Armed Forces, the DEA, the Border Patrol, the Coast Guard, the Insane Clown Posse, the Fantastic Four, and my momma. 

And if the captain of the fire department had even THOUGHT TO THINK ABOUT handing me the fake snake, I would have beaten him about the head and face with it, ’cause Homie don’t play that. I don’t like snakes, man. My actions would totally be justified. As for this guy…I think he needs to stick to carry-ons from here on out.

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Authorities are trying to figure out who dropped four 55-gallon trash bags filled with marijuana by the side of an Ocala road. The Marion County Sheriff’s Office reports that inmates working with the county’s solid waste department found the bags on Thursday. Drug agents say the bags weighed a total of nearly 65 pounds. Officials are investigating where the bags came from.

Ok, does anyone see the latent irony in that inmates found these bags of weed? I think the story is incomplete, ’cause I’m pretty sure the original number of bags was slightly higher (heh – I said “higher”) than 4. I’m thinking it was more like 10, and right now there’s 6 55-gallon bags of Mary Jane chillin’ in the back of someone’s Tahoe. That, or Snoop Dogg stopped by to use it as a day’s supply. I don’t know much about the value of maryjawanna, but I’m thinking that it’s valuable enough that there’s someone REALLY missing their income generator/medicine/relaxation medium. Also, it speaks to the overall level of responsibility of the nimrods in charge of the pot, that they let 4 full-ass bags go missing. I’d like to think that, in this economy, 220 gallons of weed would be sorely missed by whoever paid for that shit, so I’m guessing there’s a couple of Cheech and Chong wannabes who had a whole lot of explaining to do to their boss. 

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 — A 55-year-old Silverdale man was booked into Kitsap County jail on suspicion of assaulting his wife of 28 years after she contacted an old boyfriend on Facebook. The woman reported to Kitsap County sheriff’s deputies that she had connected over the Internet with a man she had dated 32 years ago. The woman had told her husband about it and “he appeared OK” with it, the sheriff’s report said. On Friday, she told deputies that her husband had become upset with the Facebook contact and demanded to know her password. Later that day, he called her 18 times at work, even though she told him to stop. Her told her to “tell everyone at work goodbye,” which she took as a death threat. The woman was scared, so she went to her mother’s house. The woman also reported that on March 7, her husband had assaulted her at their home on the 10000 block of Marigold Drive NW, causing bruises and a bloody nose. The deputy’s report noted that the woman has bruises on her body. When the suspect arrived, deputies questioned him about his wife’s allegations of telephone harassment and assault, and his only response was to repeatedly say how much he loved her. The report states the suspect appeared intoxicated.  He was taken to Harrison Medical Center in Bremerton until his condition stabilized. He was then taken to the jail and booked on suspicion of telephone harassment and fourth-degree assault. His bail was set at $40,000.

Um…wow. Talk about insecure. Honestly, if it’s been 32 years since your woman dated some guy, and she’s been with you for 28 of those years, It’s most likely that you’ve got her, man. She’s yours. Some guy she dated from when “The Empire Strikes Back” was in theaters the FIRST time shouldn’t be much of an imminent threat. In fact, I’m guessing he’s about as far removed from the guy she dated as…you are from the guy she married. Do you think she’d jump ship for some paunchy, balding, Cheeto-eating, recliner-sitting, shorts with black socks-wearing, pickup truck-driving dude who is more or less a carbon copy (which you’re old enough to remember) of you? Well shit – on second thought, given that you have the additional benefit of talking with your hands (and not in the cool Helen Keller way, either) when you’re expressing your inner thoughts and feelings, maybe going back in time like that would be a step up for your poor spouse, man. And really, if anyone should be getting jealous, it should be her. After all, you’re about to go into one of the oldest social networking organizations around, where you’ll be meeting all kinds of new people, many of whom will be very interested in pursuing a “more than friends” relationship with you. And to make matters worse, it’s one of those 3-D, full-immersion type deals that you’ll be completely consumed by, day and night, 24 hours a day. It’s called “Prison”. How can she expect to compete with THAT? You’re gonna learn a new meaning of the term “super poke”. 

Peace.

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