You know, humanity as a whole is a fairly civilized group of primates. We generally coexist peacefully, we largely follow the same basic principles from group to group, and we invented bacon. We even have laws, edicts, guidelines, rules, handbooks, procedures, statutes, ordinances, and other methods for keeping the unruly in line with the rest of us who just want to get from point A to point B without some turniphead interrupting our flow. However, all these lines of text on paper don’t cover the full rainbow of transgressions that occur; they only hit the big stuff. There’s no real legal retaliation available for the minor things that affect us all. The police aren’t going to step in when people commit these small crimes against each other, and we the people aren’t permitted to exact the kind of revenge/justice these crimes warrant. But we should be allowed, shouldn’t we? I’m not talking about grievous bodily harm or death, just…appropriate ramifications. What I’m saying is, for some types of actions…

…some people just need to be smacked.

Now, by “smacked” I mean just that – smacked. Once, on the side of the head, preferably. The proper protocol for the punishment should be a smack on the head, an announcement of the offense, a curt nod and a rapid departure. So if you see a mom talking on her cell while her offspring is running amok through men’s wear and pulling all the IZOD pullovers off their 30% off hangers, you walk over to the mom, say “You are not watching your child, and he is running amok.”, then smack her in the head, give a short nod, and walk away. Mission complete.

Here’s my list of smackable offenses. Please add your own via comment, and when I have ’em all, I’ll make this post a static page with everyone’s pet peeves listed. If I don’t, you can smack me.

Smackable Offenses

  • Cutting people off in traffic when there’s no emergency
  • Taking the last doughnut/pork chop/whatever when you’ve already had your fair share
  • Overdramatized crying sequences on reality shows (like “The Biggest Loser”, for example)
  • Condescending service people (plumbers, secretaries, DMV personnel) who treat you like you’re an idiot
  • When I drop my son off at school in the morning, parents walk in the middle of the parking lot, taking their sweet time, and hold up traffic by a long ass while (from HDW)
  • Talking on the cell phone in the bathroom stall and getting pissed when other people have to flush (from HDW)
  • Cheering for the University of South Carolina
  • Showing off pictures of your kids/cars/bowling pin collection when no one asked to see it
  • Forcing your way onto the elevator before the other people can get off (from HDW)
  • Yelling at your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse in public
  • Not paying attention to important information, then asking 39028345 questions about shit that was already covered
  • Wearing bikinis when you’re clearly outside of the bikini-wearing demographic
  • Complaining about problems, seeking advice for said problems, and then not listening or attempting to follow the aforementioned advice before complaining again
  • Wearing Aéropostale
  • Wearing plaid shorts when you’re over 35
  • Assuming your experiences encompass all others’ experiences
  • Cutting people off in conversation without listening to what they have to say
  • Driving in the emergency lane on the highway when traffic’s at a standstill, and you’re not a cop/EMT/firefighter (from DWW)
  • Texting/talking on the phone while out at dinner with someone (from DWW)
  • Being late to meetings that YOU set up (from DWW)
  • If you’re a meteorologist, cutting in on a popular TV show to show me how far the damn clouds have moved in the last 4 minutes (from DWW)
  • Drying your hands on someone else’s face towel after using the bathroom (from HDW)
  • Being mean to the elderly for no reason (that’s important – sometimes the elderly are jerks)
  • Being shiftless, never keeping a job, never repaying debts, and never acknowledging other people’s kindness to you
  • Burning popcorn at work, or cooking fish in the microwave at work
  • Leaving the car on empty when others have to drive it later
  • Being Coldplay

Let’s get it rolling, people. I know you’ve got some things that you wanna slap the taste out of somebody’s mouth for. List them! Power to the people!