My friends delight in sending me links to all manner of bacon things, given my intense and inexplicable love for the Perfect Food Item. For the most part, the links have inventive, interesting applications of bacon manufactured in hundred of different implementations, from clothing to toys to weapons. Yes, I said weapons. But not all out-of-the-box baconing is equal. Listen up folks, for I shall only say this once:

Bacon is not universal, and there are some things that bacon is not suited for. Ever.

I realize that for some of you, this is akin to me saying that the sun is royal blue and that I’m allowing Ben Roethlisberger to host a sorority sleepover, but I feel the need to speak out against some serious atrocities committed in bacon’s good name. I have no doubt that these offenders love bacon, and that they think they’re being clever or cute or inventive, but ultimately, bacon is for one thing and one thing only.

Eating.

It’s not meant to be worn directly; it’s not meant to be used as decoration, and for damn sure no one should be making OTHER items using bacon as some sort of demented Lego set from a suburb of Hades. And not the nice ‘burbs in North Hades, either. I’m talking about Southeast Hades, down near the courthouse and bailbondsmen, down where the apprentice crackwhores are. The bad section.

I digress.

It’s food, people. Keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that by no means do I insinuate that it’s forbidden to have bacon-themed items, because some bacon stuff is pretty clever and cool, like the bacon magnet that Elle gave me that I’m still rocking on the back of the minivan. (I saw her last week out in Tucson, by the way, and she’s as crazy as EVAH.) I’m going provide you now with an Illustrated Guide to Proper Baconage so that you don’t make the same mistakes that others have. I’ll sort the items into categories: Nicely Done, Nice Try, and Serioulsy, WTF. The More You Know.

Nicely Done

I actually own these. They’re not made of real bacon, they stop the bleeding, and they’re interesting. And they come with a free toy inside. Score.

Nice Try

Kudos to Coke for trying to jump on the baconwagon (like a bacon bandwagon, only more efficient and delicious), but this is just ill-conceived.

Seriously, WTF?

A bacon briefcase? Why in the hell would ANYONE ever want or need this? You can’t roll up into a business meeting, pull this out, and expect to be heard over all the snickering. And to make matters worse, it’s not even COOKED bacon. This is like a bad idea that got dipped into another bad idea and then served with coleslaw.

Nicely Done

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. At all.

Nice Try

OK, with the advent of things like coffee ice cream, I suppose I can see why someone would make this. I’d even consider trying it. But…it just doesn’t seem appealing. When you think of cold refreshment, bacon isn’t what jumps into your head. If it does, you’re sicker than I am.

Seriously, WTF?

No. Just no. This is wrong on several levels. Begone.

Nicely Done

A bacon bowl. You can’t see me right now, but I’m standing and applauding. And typing. This is an excellent idea – a lovely decorative salad bowl that you can eat – and it’s made of BACON. Whoever invented this should get a Nobel Peace Prize for Awesome.

Nice Try

Hmm. I’m actually on the fence about these. On the one hand, they remind me of those baked beans candy I used to eat as a kid – unappealing in concept, but pretty good in my mouth. But on the other hand, it seems to be a misappropriation of bacon – I mean, I doubt there’s even any real bacon in these things, just bacon flavoring. Nobody wants bacon flavoring.

Seriously, WTF?

There was no reason at all to create this. None. It defies logic and reason. Yes, I love bacon, and I’m fond of the naked Twister, but never the twain shall meet. Would you really want to be listening to some Barry White, lights down low, applying this substance to….whatever you apply it to, and then potentially have Spot or Rover barreling into the room, eyes crazed, tongue dragging the floor, all because he smells BACON and thinks he’s getting a Beggin’ Strip? No, you really would not. Trust me.

Nicely Done

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an apple bacon pie. You may drool at will.

I don’t know about this one, folks. I just don’t know. I sort of want to try it, but I fear the soul-hemorrhaging disappointment if it isn’t any good.

Seriously, WTF?

If I ever have the opportunity to meet the marketing person who came up with this abomination, this crime against man and nature, this Thing That Should Not Be, this monstrosity that KFC calls the Double Down (it oughta be called the Double Over or the Double Bypass), I will slap him dead in his mouth. Mark my words. Just look at it. It looks sad to even be in existence. It’s disheveled, broken down, and wanting nothing more than a swift, painless death. Look at it. LOOK AT IT. And then burn your tainted eyeballs.

If you like these, I’ll add more in a future post. This was fun.

Peace.

Advertisements