“It’s been a long time
I shouldn’t’ve left you
Without a strong rhyme to step to”

If you’re unfamiliar with the great works of Eric B. and Rakim, slap yourself. You need to re-educate your mind and apologize for not knowing. I’ll wait.

Thank you.

I hope I can remember how to do one of these…it’s been so long, the Gulf of Mexico was actually leaded instead of unleaded. But I’m back, ready to try on these old-comfy houseshoes that I call my ‘tribes, so I can see if they still fit. And if they don’t, I’ll be a-stretching these bitches out until they do. You ready? Are you? Let’s do it, then.


A former manager at a local McDonald’s chain was arrested Thursday evening after allegedly pocketing nearly $70,000 in bank deposits, officials said.  Germaine Leopold Hodge, 32, remained in Bexar County Jail on a charge of misapplication of fiduciary property. Bail was set at $50,000. An arrest affidavit states that after several shift managers left McDonald’s, Hodge ended up being responsible for depositing all of the restaurant proceeds. After about a year of doing this, the restaurant’s owner found that dozens of deposits were never made, the affidavit states. Investigators learned the missing deposits totaled $67,336. When the owner approached Hodge about the missing deposits, he provided inaccurate receipts and later gave his resignation. Hodge told the owner that he was resigning because he’d been diagnosed with cancer and provided a doctor’s note, which stated he needed to start radiation therapy immediately, the affidavit states. The owner told police the doctor’s note was from an obstetrics and gynecology office and that the phone number provided for the physician belonged to Hodge. The affidavit didn’t state if the money was recovered.

There’s so much here, I’m not sure where to begin, really. How about this – who embezzles from McDonald’s? This is about one step up from robbing a hobo for his wine change, but still a step or two down from “kicking a Coke machine until nickels fall out” and “Working for Enron”. This is the height of stupidity, because honestly, only a small handful of people actually handle the deposits for any given Mickey D’s, and once some money goes missing, it’s just a matter of time before they track down the master thief in the golden arches hat. Mr. Hodge further compounds his rampant and unchecked stupidity by taking a LOT of money from a place that won’t accept anything higher than a $20. What I’m amazed at is how he was able to amass 70 grand over the course of a year without someone catching on. Hell, when I worked retail, if I was $0.20 short in my cash drawer, they were giving me hell about financial responsibility and attention to detail. And Bernie Madoff here was sneaking home a crazy amount of french fry-smelling greenbacks without someone noticing that the nightly receipts and the bank deposits were matching like plaid and polka dots? But you do have to admire Hodge’s commitment to evading capture. Faking cancer? Brilliant! I mean, everyone knows that cancer shows no obvious symptoms, and that most people quit their jobs and drop their insurance coverage because cancer treatment is so affordable. Hey, he can just use some of that fry money! And everyone knows that a doctor’s note saying that you have cancer can come from any doctor, really. Who actually knows what an OB/GYN does, anyway? They COULD treat men. It could happen. And if a guy got cervical cancer, it would be a really big deal requiring such a note from the OB/GYN, right? And the phone number was Hodge’s because…well, he’s a doctor. There, I said it. It had been a secret, but now we all know that Germaine Leopold (“Leopold”? Seriously?) Hodges is in fact Dr. Germaine Leopold Hodges, M.D., Ph.D., Ed.D., Heavy D., and Kool Moe Dee. How you like me now?


DETROIT, Ore. — A Detroit woman received minor injuries Saturday morning when her SUV left Highway 22 just west of Big Cliff Dam and Detroit Lake, ending up partially submerged in the Santiam River – reportedly as she tried to put sugar in her coffee, Oregon State Police said.According to OSP Senior Trooper Derek Bischoff, around 9:30 a.m., an SUV driven by Trena Fiels, 42, was westbound on Highway 22 near milepost 38. Fiels reportedly was trying to put sugar in a cup of coffee while driving and she drove off the roadway, over-corrected to the left and across the highway and a large shoulder turnout before going down a 40-foot embankment. The vehicle came to rest partially submerged in the Santiam River. Fiels was using safety restraints and received minor injuries. She was transported by ambulance to an area hospital.

OK, folks: when you’re driving a vehicle, DRIVE THE VEHICLE. This is not Star Wars. The car will not drive itself, even if the cruise control is on. The car will not continue to drive straight if you let go of the wheel. You should not be putting sugar in coffee while driving. You should not be reading the paper, applying makeup (even if you really need it), playing Sudoku, filling out W-2 forms, eating bacon (OK, eating bacon is allowable under ALL circumstances, so ignore that statement. I’m obviously over-tired and not thinking right), or putting Armor All on your dashboard. She’s lucky that SUV was only partially submerged – it means the SUV realized that no one was driving it, and it did all it could to stop the woman from outright killing herself and ruining all of the SUV’s upholstery. At some point she had to think “This really is quite unwise”, right? No way could she have gone from start to finish with that bit of genius on display without some part of her brain tugging on her consciousness and saying “Um…not to be a stick in the mud, but shouldn’t you be NOT doing that while in motion? That coffee is hot as hell.”


DENVER, Colorado — Clear Creek sheriff’s deputies arrested a rafting guide for swimming to a stranded young rafter who had tumbled from his boat on Clear Creek. Ryan Daniel Snodgrass, a 28-year- old guide with Arkansas Valley Adventures rafting company, was charged after the Thursday incident with “obstructing government operations,” Clear Creek Sheriff Don Krueger said. “He was told not to go in the water, and he jumped in and swam over to the victim and jeopardized the rescue operation,” said Krueger, noting that his office was deciding whether to file similar charges against another guide at the scene Thursday on Clear Creek just downstream from Kermitts Roadhouse on U.S. 6. Duke Bradford, owner of Arkansas Valley Adventures, said Snodgrass did the right thing by contacting the 13-year-old Texas girl immediately and not waiting for the county’s volunteer search-and-rescue team to assemble ropes, rafts and personnel. Snodgrass stayed with the girl until the other rescuers could use a line and raft to bring her and him out of the river. He was then arrested. Krueger said the girl was missing for 30 to 45 minutes while Snodgrass and other guides searched for her. He said she swam a half-mile from the spot where the raft capsized.  Because it had been so long, Krueger said, it was no longer the rafting company’s rescue. “They should involve themselves up to a point. They lost contact,” Krueger said. “Whether they want to say they were trying to rescue their customer, when they had lost visual contact and had no idea where their customer has been for 30 to 45 minutes, then it becomes our issue.”

Let’s do a little recap, shall we? Yes, we shall.

  • 13 year old girl falls out of a boat on the river
  • Rafting guide locates girl in water, alive.
  • Rafting guide does his job and saves the girl
  • The county’s SAR team got its panties in a bunch because he went all Tom Cruise and they were sitting around like Val Kilmer. (“Top Gun” reference. Look it up.)
  • Rafting guide – correction, HERO rafting guide who SAVED A GIRL’S LIFE – is arrested, for realzies, when got out of the water.

Snodgrass did the right thing – the unequivocal right thing by ANY standard, and got arrested by the freakin’ Brute Squad because he took some shine off their rescue attempt. An attempt that could’ve been better organized by blind 5 year olds who were also trying to solve a differential equations problem while tap dancing downhill during a Dallas ice storm. Backwards. Listen, I’m not saying that Arkansas Valley Adventures is totally innocent here…after all, they did lose sight of the girl for a while, which I’m assuming is a big ol’ rescuin’ no-no. But at the point when they located her, even if the County Rescue and Taxidermy Team was doing their impersonation of a Chinese fire drill, they should be legally allowed to rescue her, right? If I drop my wallet, I should be allowed to pick it up, even if I temporarily lose sight of it (which I wouldn’t, given that it’s my ultra-cool Clemson-themed prized wallet and all). I shouldn’t have to wait for the Dallas County Wallet Rescue Rangers to call a meeting, slide down their firemen’s pole, get their Ghostbusters proton packs and assemble at the scene with a bullhorn in one hand and a Hostess cupcake in the other. It makes no sense, much like that analogy I just tried to wedge in here. I’ve been rafting, and if I fell out of the boat, I’m damned sure I’d want the first rescue-capable person to rescue me, and not have him say “Yeah, about that…” while he stared at my bobbing black ass in the water. Don’t cut the red tape…just use it to fish a chick out of the water, people. Basics.