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“It’s been a long time
I shouldn’t’ve left you
Without a strong rhyme to step to”

If you’re unfamiliar with the great works of Eric B. and Rakim, slap yourself. You need to re-educate your mind and apologize for not knowing. I’ll wait.

Thank you.

I hope I can remember how to do one of these…it’s been so long, the Gulf of Mexico was actually leaded instead of unleaded. But I’m back, ready to try on these old-comfy houseshoes that I call my ‘tribes, so I can see if they still fit. And if they don’t, I’ll be a-stretching these bitches out until they do. You ready? Are you? Let’s do it, then.

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A former manager at a local McDonald’s chain was arrested Thursday evening after allegedly pocketing nearly $70,000 in bank deposits, officials said.  Germaine Leopold Hodge, 32, remained in Bexar County Jail on a charge of misapplication of fiduciary property. Bail was set at $50,000. An arrest affidavit states that after several shift managers left McDonald’s, Hodge ended up being responsible for depositing all of the restaurant proceeds. After about a year of doing this, the restaurant’s owner found that dozens of deposits were never made, the affidavit states. Investigators learned the missing deposits totaled $67,336. When the owner approached Hodge about the missing deposits, he provided inaccurate receipts and later gave his resignation. Hodge told the owner that he was resigning because he’d been diagnosed with cancer and provided a doctor’s note, which stated he needed to start radiation therapy immediately, the affidavit states. The owner told police the doctor’s note was from an obstetrics and gynecology office and that the phone number provided for the physician belonged to Hodge. The affidavit didn’t state if the money was recovered.

There’s so much here, I’m not sure where to begin, really. How about this – who embezzles from McDonald’s? This is about one step up from robbing a hobo for his wine change, but still a step or two down from “kicking a Coke machine until nickels fall out” and “Working for Enron”. This is the height of stupidity, because honestly, only a small handful of people actually handle the deposits for any given Mickey D’s, and once some money goes missing, it’s just a matter of time before they track down the master thief in the golden arches hat. Mr. Hodge further compounds his rampant and unchecked stupidity by taking a LOT of money from a place that won’t accept anything higher than a $20. What I’m amazed at is how he was able to amass 70 grand over the course of a year without someone catching on. Hell, when I worked retail, if I was $0.20 short in my cash drawer, they were giving me hell about financial responsibility and attention to detail. And Bernie Madoff here was sneaking home a crazy amount of french fry-smelling greenbacks without someone noticing that the nightly receipts and the bank deposits were matching like plaid and polka dots? But you do have to admire Hodge’s commitment to evading capture. Faking cancer? Brilliant! I mean, everyone knows that cancer shows no obvious symptoms, and that most people quit their jobs and drop their insurance coverage because cancer treatment is so affordable. Hey, he can just use some of that fry money! And everyone knows that a doctor’s note saying that you have cancer can come from any doctor, really. Who actually knows what an OB/GYN does, anyway? They COULD treat men. It could happen. And if a guy got cervical cancer, it would be a really big deal requiring such a note from the OB/GYN, right? And the phone number was Hodge’s because…well, he’s a doctor. There, I said it. It had been a secret, but now we all know that Germaine Leopold (“Leopold”? Seriously?) Hodges is in fact Dr. Germaine Leopold Hodges, M.D., Ph.D., Ed.D., Heavy D., and Kool Moe Dee. How you like me now?

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DETROIT, Ore. — A Detroit woman received minor injuries Saturday morning when her SUV left Highway 22 just west of Big Cliff Dam and Detroit Lake, ending up partially submerged in the Santiam River – reportedly as she tried to put sugar in her coffee, Oregon State Police said.According to OSP Senior Trooper Derek Bischoff, around 9:30 a.m., an SUV driven by Trena Fiels, 42, was westbound on Highway 22 near milepost 38. Fiels reportedly was trying to put sugar in a cup of coffee while driving and she drove off the roadway, over-corrected to the left and across the highway and a large shoulder turnout before going down a 40-foot embankment. The vehicle came to rest partially submerged in the Santiam River. Fiels was using safety restraints and received minor injuries. She was transported by ambulance to an area hospital.

OK, folks: when you’re driving a vehicle, DRIVE THE VEHICLE. This is not Star Wars. The car will not drive itself, even if the cruise control is on. The car will not continue to drive straight if you let go of the wheel. You should not be putting sugar in coffee while driving. You should not be reading the paper, applying makeup (even if you really need it), playing Sudoku, filling out W-2 forms, eating bacon (OK, eating bacon is allowable under ALL circumstances, so ignore that statement. I’m obviously over-tired and not thinking right), or putting Armor All on your dashboard. She’s lucky that SUV was only partially submerged – it means the SUV realized that no one was driving it, and it did all it could to stop the woman from outright killing herself and ruining all of the SUV’s upholstery. At some point she had to think “This really is quite unwise”, right? No way could she have gone from start to finish with that bit of genius on display without some part of her brain tugging on her consciousness and saying “Um…not to be a stick in the mud, but shouldn’t you be NOT doing that while in motion? That coffee is hot as hell.”

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DENVER, Colorado — Clear Creek sheriff’s deputies arrested a rafting guide for swimming to a stranded young rafter who had tumbled from his boat on Clear Creek. Ryan Daniel Snodgrass, a 28-year- old guide with Arkansas Valley Adventures rafting company, was charged after the Thursday incident with “obstructing government operations,” Clear Creek Sheriff Don Krueger said. “He was told not to go in the water, and he jumped in and swam over to the victim and jeopardized the rescue operation,” said Krueger, noting that his office was deciding whether to file similar charges against another guide at the scene Thursday on Clear Creek just downstream from Kermitts Roadhouse on U.S. 6. Duke Bradford, owner of Arkansas Valley Adventures, said Snodgrass did the right thing by contacting the 13-year-old Texas girl immediately and not waiting for the county’s volunteer search-and-rescue team to assemble ropes, rafts and personnel. Snodgrass stayed with the girl until the other rescuers could use a line and raft to bring her and him out of the river. He was then arrested. Krueger said the girl was missing for 30 to 45 minutes while Snodgrass and other guides searched for her. He said she swam a half-mile from the spot where the raft capsized.  Because it had been so long, Krueger said, it was no longer the rafting company’s rescue. “They should involve themselves up to a point. They lost contact,” Krueger said. “Whether they want to say they were trying to rescue their customer, when they had lost visual contact and had no idea where their customer has been for 30 to 45 minutes, then it becomes our issue.”

Let’s do a little recap, shall we? Yes, we shall.

  • 13 year old girl falls out of a boat on the river
  • Rafting guide locates girl in water, alive.
  • Rafting guide does his job and saves the girl
  • The county’s SAR team got its panties in a bunch because he went all Tom Cruise and they were sitting around like Val Kilmer. (“Top Gun” reference. Look it up.)
  • Rafting guide – correction, HERO rafting guide who SAVED A GIRL’S LIFE – is arrested, for realzies, when got out of the water.

Snodgrass did the right thing – the unequivocal right thing by ANY standard, and got arrested by the freakin’ Brute Squad because he took some shine off their rescue attempt. An attempt that could’ve been better organized by blind 5 year olds who were also trying to solve a differential equations problem while tap dancing downhill during a Dallas ice storm. Backwards. Listen, I’m not saying that Arkansas Valley Adventures is totally innocent here…after all, they did lose sight of the girl for a while, which I’m assuming is a big ol’ rescuin’ no-no. But at the point when they located her, even if the County Rescue and Taxidermy Team was doing their impersonation of a Chinese fire drill, they should be legally allowed to rescue her, right? If I drop my wallet, I should be allowed to pick it up, even if I temporarily lose sight of it (which I wouldn’t, given that it’s my ultra-cool Clemson-themed prized wallet and all). I shouldn’t have to wait for the Dallas County Wallet Rescue Rangers to call a meeting, slide down their firemen’s pole, get their Ghostbusters proton packs and assemble at the scene with a bullhorn in one hand and a Hostess cupcake in the other. It makes no sense, much like that analogy I just tried to wedge in here. I’ve been rafting, and if I fell out of the boat, I’m damned sure I’d want the first rescue-capable person to rescue me, and not have him say “Yeah, about that…” while he stared at my bobbing black ass in the water. Don’t cut the red tape…just use it to fish a chick out of the water, people. Basics.

Peace.

What up, pimps and pimpettes? The Ides of March are upon us! (Google it if you don’t know. I ain’t your damn Wikinegropedia.)  I finally got off the schnide and decided to crank out a ‘tribe, just to see if I still have it. I’m gonna so my best to at least write more frequently than once per month, because I DO have some cool things going on. For example, even though I quit the band a few months ago, I’m still playing music, now with my friends Sarah and Dru. It’s a lot of fun, very relaxed and low-key, and perfect for me. We don’t have a name, but we do have a good time when we perform. Also, DWW and I saw “Gran Torino” last night – that’s right, a real movie, in the movie theater! And not even a matinee! “Gran Torino” is great, people.  Go see it if you haven’t. And take a notepad, ’cause you’re gonna hear racial slurs that you ain’t never heard in your natural life, and hundreds of ’em coming at rapid fire. It was impressive in its ingenuity and vulgarity. I recommend you go see it. But before you do…

..let’s diatribe. Yeah.

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(Asheville Citizen-Times) ARDEN – A man who arrived home Friday after a flight got quite a surprise when he opened his suitcase. Firefighters responded about 10:15 p.m. to a residence on Rocky Mountain Way in Arden. The man arrived home after landing in Charlotte, opened his baggage and saw a snake, Skyland Fire Department Capt. Kevin Bartlett said.  “He stepped back and called us. We went in and determined it was a rubber snake,” Barlett said. “We handed it to him and left.” Bartlett said the man did not know where the snake came from or who could have put it there.

The Citizen-Times writes this story as though homeboy did something wrong by calling the fire department upon finding an unbeknownst reptile amongst his boxer briefs and poorly-wrapped snow globe from Dayton, Ohio. In fact, if that was me, several things would’ve happened in quick succession:

  • I would have immediately and completely soiled my own boxer briefs.
  • I would have screamed like a bitch.
  • My screaming would have incited even more fear-induced defecation, which would have subsequently surprised me in its fullness, given that I had just now finished jacking up my undies a few minutes prior.
  • I would have leaped to the ceiling fan and clung to it like Shaggy or Scooby-Doo upon witnessing something spooky.
  • If my cell phone made it through my bowel evacuation without damage or shame of associating with me, I would called every agency known to mankind, including the fire department, the police, the FBI, the CIA (what? I have their number), FEMA, the ATF, the Armed Forces, the DEA, the Border Patrol, the Coast Guard, the Insane Clown Posse, the Fantastic Four, and my momma. 

And if the captain of the fire department had even THOUGHT TO THINK ABOUT handing me the fake snake, I would have beaten him about the head and face with it, ’cause Homie don’t play that. I don’t like snakes, man. My actions would totally be justified. As for this guy…I think he needs to stick to carry-ons from here on out.

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Authorities are trying to figure out who dropped four 55-gallon trash bags filled with marijuana by the side of an Ocala road. The Marion County Sheriff’s Office reports that inmates working with the county’s solid waste department found the bags on Thursday. Drug agents say the bags weighed a total of nearly 65 pounds. Officials are investigating where the bags came from.

Ok, does anyone see the latent irony in that inmates found these bags of weed? I think the story is incomplete, ’cause I’m pretty sure the original number of bags was slightly higher (heh – I said “higher”) than 4. I’m thinking it was more like 10, and right now there’s 6 55-gallon bags of Mary Jane chillin’ in the back of someone’s Tahoe. That, or Snoop Dogg stopped by to use it as a day’s supply. I don’t know much about the value of maryjawanna, but I’m thinking that it’s valuable enough that there’s someone REALLY missing their income generator/medicine/relaxation medium. Also, it speaks to the overall level of responsibility of the nimrods in charge of the pot, that they let 4 full-ass bags go missing. I’d like to think that, in this economy, 220 gallons of weed would be sorely missed by whoever paid for that shit, so I’m guessing there’s a couple of Cheech and Chong wannabes who had a whole lot of explaining to do to their boss. 

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 — A 55-year-old Silverdale man was booked into Kitsap County jail on suspicion of assaulting his wife of 28 years after she contacted an old boyfriend on Facebook. The woman reported to Kitsap County sheriff’s deputies that she had connected over the Internet with a man she had dated 32 years ago. The woman had told her husband about it and “he appeared OK” with it, the sheriff’s report said. On Friday, she told deputies that her husband had become upset with the Facebook contact and demanded to know her password. Later that day, he called her 18 times at work, even though she told him to stop. Her told her to “tell everyone at work goodbye,” which she took as a death threat. The woman was scared, so she went to her mother’s house. The woman also reported that on March 7, her husband had assaulted her at their home on the 10000 block of Marigold Drive NW, causing bruises and a bloody nose. The deputy’s report noted that the woman has bruises on her body. When the suspect arrived, deputies questioned him about his wife’s allegations of telephone harassment and assault, and his only response was to repeatedly say how much he loved her. The report states the suspect appeared intoxicated.  He was taken to Harrison Medical Center in Bremerton until his condition stabilized. He was then taken to the jail and booked on suspicion of telephone harassment and fourth-degree assault. His bail was set at $40,000.

Um…wow. Talk about insecure. Honestly, if it’s been 32 years since your woman dated some guy, and she’s been with you for 28 of those years, It’s most likely that you’ve got her, man. She’s yours. Some guy she dated from when “The Empire Strikes Back” was in theaters the FIRST time shouldn’t be much of an imminent threat. In fact, I’m guessing he’s about as far removed from the guy she dated as…you are from the guy she married. Do you think she’d jump ship for some paunchy, balding, Cheeto-eating, recliner-sitting, shorts with black socks-wearing, pickup truck-driving dude who is more or less a carbon copy (which you’re old enough to remember) of you? Well shit – on second thought, given that you have the additional benefit of talking with your hands (and not in the cool Helen Keller way, either) when you’re expressing your inner thoughts and feelings, maybe going back in time like that would be a step up for your poor spouse, man. And really, if anyone should be getting jealous, it should be her. After all, you’re about to go into one of the oldest social networking organizations around, where you’ll be meeting all kinds of new people, many of whom will be very interested in pursuing a “more than friends” relationship with you. And to make matters worse, it’s one of those 3-D, full-immersion type deals that you’ll be completely consumed by, day and night, 24 hours a day. It’s called “Prison”. How can she expect to compete with THAT? You’re gonna learn a new meaning of the term “super poke”. 

Peace.

It’s been ages since I’ve done a diatribe, mainly because I suck. I admit it openly. For some reason, I’ve lost my a lot of my drive for the long-form narrative, which happens to be my specialty. At the same time (and not to toot my own horn, because if I COULD toot my own horn, you’d never hear from me again – tangent), I do realize that there are folks who enjoy checking my little piece of virtual real estate to see what nonsense I’ve spewed most recently. I have not done a good job of supplying you with the freshness, so I’m gonna try a new tactic: shorter posts.

In keeping with that notion, I’m gonna give you a little diatribe, a diatribe junior, if you will. Maybe it’ll help jump-start my muses, those lazy bitches.

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Police arrested a man and charged him with second-degree kidnapping after a brief standoff at a lingerie store. Matthew Alexander Rivera, 27, of Hope Mills, was arrested by the Fayetteville Police Department after a standoff at “Priscilla’s” at 3800 Sycamore Dairy Road. Officers responded to a possible robbery. Upon arrival they were notified that the subject was still inside the business with the store manager, and was in possession of a device that appeared to be a bomb. Nearby businesses were evacuated and roads near the business were blocked off to traffic.Officials say Rivera surrendered without further incident. He is charged with second-degree kidnapping and perpetrating a hoax by use of a false bomb. The Fayetteville Observer reported that the bomb was made out of Play-Doh, batteries and a wire arranged to look like an explosive. Rivera is currently in the Cumberland County Detention Center under a $25,000 bond.

Boy, did I pick a doozy to come back with! Now, before I truly start breaking down the story of this MENSA candidate and his brilliant scheme, let me first put his picture up for all to see. You’ll thank me for this.

OK. Please. Someone tell me what the deal is with the facial tats. Or was this simply a fingerprinting incident gone awry? Obviously a man who decides that a lingerie store (I bet he pronounces it “LING uh REE”) is the ideal place for a hold-up has brains in his favor, right? This is not an interviewing face. This is not the face of a man filling out applications for Applebee’s or college admission. This is the face of a man who has watched “Jackass” like it was research for his doctoral thesis. This is the face of a man who thinks Hot Pockets are Nature’s perfect food. This is the face of a man who expected to find a windfall in a place that sells thongs and teddies, a place where most purchases are probably made via check or credit card. Absolutely brilliant. Now, let’s look beyond the Mike Tyson/Locutus of Borg/Run Over By A Tractor exterior, and look at the crime itself. At what point did Priscilla’s become a hot spot for robbery? Was every 7-Eleven and Circle K closed that day? Hell, even Racetrac would probably just hand over the cash, and you’d get a Mountain Dew icee in the process. What was he aiming for at a lingerie store? A free pair of cheetah-print thongs? Secondly, using a bomb to hold up a store is chock full of fail. It’s like using a Chevy Avalanche to iron your friend’s clothes. While he’s still wearing them. And for the love of all that’s holy, if you’re going to use a bomb threat to score the $262.51 from the register at Priscilla’s, please make sure you have something that more closely resembles a REAL bomb, and not something that looks like a 4 year old should be eating it. For the uninitiated, Play-Doh semi sorta looks like C4, or plastic explosives. Make no mistake – plastic explosives are very powerful and devastating, and not to be trifled with. The thing is, a guy like ol’ Matthew here has about as much chance of actually getting some plastic explosives in his possession as I have of getting Kim Kardashian’s booty to return my phone calls. As a cop, when I walk into the lingerie store where a bomb threat has been called in, I’m more nervous than Al Gore waiting for royalty checks from inventing the internet. But when I see this contraption that looks like it was shoplifted from Toys ‘R’ Us and assembled by a ruthless gang of 4 year olds, I think I’d have a hard time cuffing ol’ Archimedes on account of all the laughter-induced convulsions. I wonder if he’ll post bond with Monopoly money.

Peace.

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Oh yeah, ever since I got yelled at for basically pointing out the ridiculous nature of a crime I outlined in an earlier diatribe. After all that back and forty, I considered retiring, laying down my figurative pen, leaving the news-telling to the professionals….yeah, right. As if I was gonna stop diatribing because one person got her thong in a twist over something I said. You all know me better than that. I’m gonna keep rollin’ till the wheels fall off. The diatribe is my go-to move; my hook shot in the lane, my left jab, guitar lift when I have full star power while playing Guitar Hero III. It is, has been, and will be the signature piece of this blog, and I’m ready to ramp it up and offend more people. After all, it’s what I do. So let’s do it!

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NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A former Norwin homecoming queen accused of attacking her sister with a prosthetic leg and threatening to burn down a neighbor’s trailer was ordered on Wednesday to go to rehab. Donna Sturkie-Anthony showed up for her preliminary hearing before District Judge Douglas Weimer, but the 41-year-old woman’s hearing was continued so she can go to Greenbriar Treatment Center. Police said Sturkie-Anthony’s sister came to visit her at Lincoln Mobile Home Park on Route 30 in January, and the two started arguing about her alcohol abuse. Then, police said Sturkie-Anthony pulled off her sister’s prosthetic leg and beat her with it. In that case, Sturkie-Anthony was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person and harassment. About three weeks later, police said, Anthony stole her neighbor’s telephone and then threatened to burn down their trailer if they testified against her. She faces charges of intimidation of witnesses or victims and terroristic threats in the case involving her neighbors. “The police, they call for backup when they come up here to deal with her,” said another neighbor, who asked not to be identified. “They know who she is.” Sturkie-Anthony was being held without bond in the Westmoreland County Prison. Police said it’s because she is a danger to others and herself.

This is all kinds of messed up. There’s so much here, I don’t even know how to get at all of it. It’s bullet time, folks.

  • From homecoming queen to living in a trailer park? This is Chapter 4 in How Not To Live Your Life. Read the book, not the Cliff’s Notes. Chapters 1-3 are Stay In School, And Not Just In The 3rd Stall, You Shouldn’t Dress Like That If You Want Him To Respect You, and Lotto Is Not A Career. Reading is fundamental.
  • Nothing fuels an argument against being a drunk like beating the accuser with her own prosthetic. Replacing a prosthetic leg is expensive, folks. A couple weeks ago, Coach F stepped funny on his, and something broke inside of it, and he said it would cost about $18,000 to get a new one. Now, I’m sure the sister’s leg didn’t cost $18,000, but even a $29.95 leg is hard to replace in this tough economy. This poor lady might have to walk around with two broomsticks with some CD cases on the bottom of ’em attached to her thigh with duct tape (black, not gray, because black goes with everything) until her Blue Burning Cross/Blue Shield insurance can get her another one from Costco. It all adds up, people.
  • Can someone please tell me the benefit of threatening the neighbor? I mean, I seriously doubt Bubba and Jimmie Sue were going to narc her out to the po-po – you know good and damn well that Bubba probably has an outstanding warrant for public intoxication and indecent exposure hisdamnself. So with that thought, why steal their phone? It probably wasn’t even cordless…it’s not like trailers are measured in square feet. They’re measured more in the number of Cheez-Its you can lay in a square grid, meaning having a cordless phone is kinda like having 100 mph on the speedometer of a Hyundai. You’re not fooling anyone.
  • Burning down the trailer is overkill, anyway. Just circle the address on a map, and mail it to God. He’ll send a tornado like he always does. Or a tow truck. Either or.

The funniest thing about this all is the fact that she’s so well-known that the cops call backup before they even RESPOND to calls to her house. I’m sure, back in high school, she was the cream of the crop, but that’s pretty much where the trail(er) runs cold for her. Oh well…I’m sure she’ll be voted Most Likely to Beat Ass on Cellblock C with her charm and personality. Here’s to hoping.

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Thomas Beatie, who used to be a woman, appeared in the most recent issue of The Advocate, a magazine for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender readers, Portland, Ore., television station KPTV reported. Beatie wrote the article, which includes a picture of him while he was 22 weeks pregnant. According to the story, he went through a sex change, but decided only to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy. Beatie was able to keep the reproductive organs he was born with. The article said he stopped getting the injections and was able to get pregnant. Beatie, who lives in Bend, wrote he was once pregnant with triplets, but the pregnancy was life-threatening and he lost the fetuses. Now, Beatie said he and his wife, Nancy, are expecting a little girl in July. In the article, Beatie described some of the challenges he and his wife have faced — they said doctors won’t treat them. The couple met 10 years ago and Nancy is not able to have children. He wrote in The Advocate that their situation “sparks legal, political and social unknowns.” The couple were out of town Monday and unable to speak with the station.

Whoooooooa. Whoa. Whoa. Let me get this straight – there’s a magazine for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people, and I didn’t know about it? That’s a travesty! They better stock that in the magazine aisle in Wal-Mart, dammit. Am I the only person who read this and thought about seahorses? (See, the male seahorse carries the fetus, and…wait, what am I, Wikipedia? Look it up yourself.) I’ve always been fascinated by things like this: a woman marrying a man who used to be a woman, and who only has the lessened chesticles and testosterone therapy, which all sounds like “female Russian bodybuilder” at first blush. It’s very fucked up that doctors won’t treat them…after all, the child inside deserves the best health care, and did nothing to the prudish doctors. And he/she/it/that certainly didn’t choose those fucked-up parents, for that matter. So what if you disagree with the woman who’s now a man (almost) who wants to have a baby with his wife, who presumably always has been a woman, but who really knows? Who is the woman who marries a man who is only halfway over the gender fence? (Good thing he’s not a man going to woman, ’cause his junk would get caught in the chain links. And that shit hurts like the dickens. Pardon the pun.) I hope the mofather…the famother….the seahorse gets the full medical attention that he and his offspring so desperately need and deserve. And naturally, I hope the National Inquirer is there with some paparazzi. Those pics will go on my fridge, baby.

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PARIS (11) – Pirates have freed 30 hostages held aboard a French tourist yacht off Somalia’s coast for the past week, French President Nicolas Sarkozy said Friday. Pirates seized the yacht, called Le Ponant, in the Gulf of Aden on April 4. It was carrying 30 crew members, including 22 French citizens and six citizens of the Philippines.

Damn, Elle. I know you’re pissed about the blog and the ‘roid and all that, but for the love of Al B. Sure, quit kidnapping people! Just go buy you some Tucks pads and some witch hazel and call it a day. Damn pirates. I swear. Always starting shit.

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Absent-minded professor dad buys lemonade for his kid at a baseball game. Turns out it’s a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. After a guard spots the bottle, the kid is whisked away to the hospital in an ambulance (!) where they found no trace of alcohol in his blood about 90 minutes later. The doctors said he was OK to go, but instead he wound up in foster care. It was “two days before the state of Michigan allowed Ratte’s wife, U-M architecture professor Claire Zimmerman, to take their son home, and nearly a week before [dad Christopher] Ratte was permitted to move back into his own house.” Everyone involved seems to have come down with a serious case of “just following orders”. The sympathetic cop who interviewed Ratte and his son at the hospital said she was convinced what happened had been an accident, but that her supervisor was insisting the matter be referred to Child Protective Services. And Ratte thought the two child protection workers who came to take Leo away seemed more annoyed with the police than with him. “This is so unnecessary,” one told Ratte before driving away with his son.

Good thing the kid didn’t ask for some ice tea from Long Island. I agree that the authorities in this case went a tad too far in all this, but really – you’d think the professor would at least read the bottle, where it mentions its alcohol content, before giving it to his kid. And you’d also think that perhaps the person who sold it to him would’ve objected when he spotted the Nutty Professor giving the bottle to little Billy – but then again, given their wages and the sheer number of drunken asshats buying 4 beers at a time, he should be happy he got correct change, much less a lesson on effective parenting. In all this, though, one thing has been sorely overlooked – Mike’s Hard Lemonade must be some weak-ass shit, if it couldn’t even give a kid a buzz. How many of those things would you have to drink to actually get drunk? 38? I think you’d have a better chance with REAL lemonade than with that watered-down Shirley Temple in a bottle. Hell, I bet a Zima would’ve….wait, let’s not take this too far. I wouldn’t wish Zima on anyone. The other curious thing about this story is the speed at which Child Protective Services descended upon this family over an honest mistake, while consistently not helping kids with much more obvious signs of abuse and mistreatment. Time to refocus, CPS. At best, this was an honest mistake, and at worst, he’s the coolest dad in the history of ever.

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A combination of alcohol, bees and a gun resulted in a Williamsburg man making a trip to the hospital Sunday. The incident happened around 2:00 Sunday yesterday afternoon in Frankstown Township in the Canoe Creek area. According to police 57-year-old David Walls had been drinking when he tried to shoot down some bees flying above him using a .22 caliber revolver loaded with buckshot. Walls ended up shooting himself in the left hand causing soft tissue damage. Walls was treated and released at Altoona Regional Health System.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(breathe)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Really, I have nothing else other than this. Then again, nothing else is really required, now is it? I think not.

Peace.

Lawd have mercy, Kim Kardashian. I never even heard of you before you made that sex tape with singer Brandy’s little brother Ray J, and now you’ve completely overtaken Eva Mendes in my “I Would Hurt Myself Getting With Her” poll. Have you seen her pics?  My monitor damn-near melted, and I KNOW I saw some condensation on my glasses. I’m so glad you’re famous, Kim K. Welcome to my world. In other news, my band has a gig Friday night at the Ridglea Theater in Fort Worth, and a brotha is NERVOUS! It’s a huge show for us, and this venue is one of the premier places in the Metroplex – and we’re HEADLINING. So if you’re in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, get your Kardashian-sized booty on down to the show.

Y’all ready for this? Well then, without delay…let’s diatribe.

(go Obama!)

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UXBRIDGE, Mass. — A convicted Level 3 sex offender has won $10 million in the Massachusetts State Lottery. The Worcester Gazette & Telegram reports 56-year-old Daniel Snay, of Uxbridge, could now face charges because he failed to notify authorities that he had moved, according to Connecticut State Police.“I’m flabbergasted,” Connecticut State Police Lt. Paul Vance told the Telegram. “His whereabouts, until you told me about this, have been unknown to us. But I guess you could say he’s very fortunate.” Snay works driving trucks for a yacht dealership in Mendon. He won the $10 million from a $20 scratch ticket purchased at Cumberland Farms in Hopedale. But the lottery winnings also come with unwanted publicity.“He was concerned, but there’s not much you can do about it,” said Snay’s lawyer Joseph M. Fabricotti. “We talked about it and he understood this was one of the repercussions that could happen.” Snay’s record of sexual assaults dates back to 1974. He has been convicted six times of indecent assault and battery in Massachusetts. Level 3 offenders are considered the most dangerous and the most likely to commit another crime.

Some guys have all the luck. Not that being a Level 3 sex offender is lucky, per se, but he’s a Level 3 sex offender with 10 million reasons not to be a recidivist again. (“Recidivist”, folks, means “repeat offender”. I’m here to help.) And this is the second convicted felon in a couple of months who hit the lottery. Is this the key? Do I need to commit a felony, get caught and convicted, and then released after serving my time? Shouldn’t be TOO hard – I’m black and in the south, after all. Shit ain’t fair, man. Honestly though, he’s got bigger fish to fry now than whether NAMBLA has his most current mailing address, because now his neighbors know that he’s a sex offender AND he’s got $10 million. This is a potentially lethal double-whammy, because not only do the Johnsons suddenly learn that nice Mr. Snay is a sex offender of the highest order, but he’s RICH, bitch! Can’t you see how this is gonna play out now? Let’s examine:

(knock on the door)
Sex offender: “Yeah, who is it?”
Kid: “Billy, from across the street. Say, let me borrow $500,000 and your vacuum cleaner.”
SO: “Say what?”
Kid: “You heard me, Perv Griffin. Give me the loot. And make it snappy…”The Fairly OddParents is coming on.”
SO: “Um…no. Go away. ”
Kid: “So, you’re saying you’re NOT gonna give me what I want, Mr. Level 3 Sex Offender? And don’t try anything – I’ve got a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle walkie-talkie taped to my chest, and my dad’s got the cops on speed dial. Don’t get any ideas.”
SO (sighing): “Do you take a check?”
Kid: “The only check I’ll take from you is a background check. Pay me in dimes, mofo.”

(And if you don’t know what NAMBLA is, google it yourself. I will NOT put a link to them on my blog. I won’t even link to the Wikipedia entry. Damn all that.)

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CORSICANA – Police say the driver of a bus filled with about 40 former prison inmates abandoned the vehicle Thursday along a highway because her working hours for the day were over. The passengers had been paroled or released from the state prison in Huntsville. Some wore ankle bracelet monitors. They were aboard a Greyhound charter headed to a bus terminal in Dallas, but wound up 60 miles short. “In 31 years in law enforcement I’ve never seen anything like this,” Corsicana Police Sgt. Lamoin Lawhon told the Corsicana Daily Sun. Police said the bus was chartered from Greyhound Bus Lines Inc. The driver pulled over in front of a convenience store around 4 p.m. and told the passengers her allotted driving time was up and another driver was on the way. A clerk in the convenience store called police. Officers arrived to find the former prisoners milling around the bus. Police said dispatchers exchanged several phone calls with Greyhound officials and the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in Austin. Lawhon and two other officers stayed with the bus and the parolees. Just before 7 p.m., a second bus arrived with three drivers – including the one who had abandoned her passengers in the first place, Lawhon said. Greyhound spokesman Dustin Clark declined to identify the driver who left the bus. He said company officials were investigating the incident. “It is a very serious matter,” he said. Clark said drivers have to follow strict guidelines on consecutive working hours and rest periods. Police said there were no incidents involving the passengers while they were stranded. “Their behavior was exemplary,” said Officer Travis Wallace.

See, this is the essence of following the letter of the law, but not the spirit. When 4 o’clock struck, Ms. Buslady pulled over, slid down the brontosaurus tail, and broke out. Post office employees don’t leave with that level of quickness, and they had to deal with the anthrax AND with holiday shipping. What isn’t explained is (a) why didn’t she find out some important things ahead of time, such as when they were leaving, how long it takes to get there…little things like that, which could’ve helped the dumb woman figure out her schedule a bit better, and (b) how she got home (or back to work, from the sounds of things) after she abandoned these folks. Did she have a car waiting? If so, the whole thing was premeditated, and that’s pretty fucked up. Did she take a taxi? It would’ve cost her more to take a cab home than the amount of overtime pay she might’ve received had she worked just a little while longer. Seriously, I can’t figure out why she chose that time and that place to just abandon these people tryin’ to make it to Dallas so they could see 2932093 malls and the place where JFK got shot. And whatever her plan was, it was doomed for failure, seeing as how she was one of the drivers on the bus that came BACK to get them. Crisis of conscious? Realization of a deed done wrong? Or a note on her car back at the prison that read “Bitch, if you don’t get your trifling ass back down to the Circle K in Corsicana RIGHT NOW, you’ll find out what it’s like to BE newly-released, in about 3-5 years. MOVE YOUR ASS!”? I bet it was that whole realization thing. Lucky for her these folks were on their way out, and not on their way in, or that Circle K might’ve been a burning pile of Doritos and motor oil when she got back. And then where would she buy her scratch-offs?

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Stafford County Sheriffs have arrested 20 year-old Lorenzo Herbert for the armed robbery of the McDonalds Restaurant at 766 Warrenton Road in Stafford County Saturday, February 16, shortly after midnight. Officers were dispatched to a robbery in progress at the McDonalds Restaurant at 766 Warrenton Road in Stafford County. Authorities were informed that a recently fired employee had just robbed the restaurant with a handgun and had walked out a side door and was walking down Plantation Drive. A description of the suspect was given and officers quickly made an arrest. Herbert was found with cash stolen from the McDonalds, a black ski mask, some marijuana and a BB gun that looked exactly like a hand gun. Herbert had been fired earlier in the evening and had returned to the restaurant prior to closing. He put a mask over his face, went behind the counter and forced the manger to the store safe. After showing the manger the gun in his pants the manger turned over the cash. At that point Herbert ordered the manger into the walk-in freezer. Among the charges against him are armed robbery and use of a firearm in the commission of a felony.

Remember way back when, when I was gonna open an academy for training criminals on how to not be stupid? You ‘member. I was complaining about the vast reservoir of dumb that these people dip into whenever they get the bright idea to commit a crime before really thinking it all the way through first, and how I could help them avoid capture and hurting others by opening this school, and then narc’ing to the authorities to get paid on both ends. Brilliant plan, yes? Well, after reading shit like this, I get all excited and start thinking about actual business plans and small business loans. Someone please explain to me why anyone with a third of a brain would return to a job they were fired from THAT VERY DAY, and rob the place, with the people he worked with still there, who would surely recognize his voice! This is so far beyond dumb that Dumb had to buy a map and a GPS system just to get back to its neighborhood. To make a bad decision worse, he fled the scene…on foot. OK, I’ve never robbed anything (that I’m gonna tell you about), but I’m pretty sure that if I did, I’d arrange some type of faster transportation besides Adidas power! Who robs a place and then strolls off, with a pocketful of cash, weed, ski mask, and a BB gun? And that takes me to Point #2: A BB gun is an ingenious choice of weaponry, particularly if you don’t really want to hurt anyone (except to maybe put their eye out). But here’s the thing – in the committal of a felony, it just doesn’t fucking matter. You could use a banana in your pocket, and it’s treated the same when (not if) your silly ass gets arrested. And what would he have done if the manager whipped out his OWN gun, and played a nice game of Whose Bullet Hurts More with this idiot? I’m about to pop a blood vessel just thinking about all the high-level stupidity committed by Herbert. In fact, I’m going to address him directly, something I rarely do. Hey, Herbert! I hope you feel real good, getting revenge on those suckas at the Mickey D’s like that. Bravo, playa. Listen; you’ll have plenty of time to think about the flaws, weak points, deficiencies, soft areas, blind spots, and overall fuckedupedness in your poorly thought-out master plan. Think long and hard, Herbert. You could’ve been filling out applications to Subway right now, but instead, your cellmate will be using your ass as his own personal subway instead. Remember – breathe out. Idiot.

Peace.

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