You think I’m joking. I’m not. Vincent D’onofrio is one bad-ass actor, and I defy you to say otherwise. Oh, I know it’s popular to go with the sexy choices, like Russell “Phone Throwing” Crowe, or Tom “I Can Make a Sucky Movie Redeemable” Hanks, or some other hot-ass actor like Denzel Washington, Kevin Spacey or Tom Sizemore. Yes, I’m joking about Sizemore. This is the guy who used to beat up Heidi Fleiss, of all people. Why in the hell would you beat up a woman that can hook you up with other women? Not that I’m condoning any violence toward any woman, but damn, you’d’ve thought she would’ve certainly gotten a special exemption. A No Ass Beat Pass. Idiot. The only way he’ll get an award is if he steals Billy Bob Thorton’s Oscar for Sling Blade while they’re on a 3 day drug-and-whore binge in Sacramento. But even if you do pick another guy as the World’s Best Actor (WBA), you’re only denying the truth to yourself. Vincent D’Onofrio is the freakin’ man.

By now, many of you are saying “Who the hell is Vincent D’Onofrio, and why are you picking on Sizemore?” V plays Detective Robert Goren on “Law and Order: Criminal Intent”. He’s the lead character, a cop with a genius-level IQ and a whole lotta quirky behavior that accompanies it. He’s kinda like “Monk“, only with fewer idiosyncratic behaviors. He also played Edgar the Bug in Men In Black, and Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket. There, you’ve seen him before, haven’t you? Aren’t you now ready to proclaim his superiority and write letters of protest to the Academy of Motion Pictures, complaining about why D’Onofrio has been snubbed all these years? Hell, he should win for movies he isn’t even in, just because his mere existence makes them better, regardless of his level of participation. He should be wearing little platinum and gold mini-Emmys around his neck in anticipation of winning constantly, as though he was the USA Basketball team, circa 1994. Every other nominee should be the acting equivalent of Angola.

Why D’Onofrio? Well, I gotta admit, I wasn’t on his bandwagon as the WBA until yesterday. I was watching a movie called, interestingly enough, Steal This Movie, which starred VD’O and was based on the life of radical lefist Abbie Hoffman during the 60s and 70s. Good flick. He was incredible as the paranoid rebel on the run and underground for 20 years. I kept saying “Damn, that Dee Onoffreo boy is good!” I knew him from the aforementioned movies and the TV show, and then I remembered seeing a movie called The Salton Sea a couple of weeks ago that starred my man Val Kilmer. (You SO thought I was gonna say VD’O. Admit it.) In this movie, VD’O played a character named Pooh Bear, so called because he snorted so much blow that he lost his entire nose, a la Winnie the Pooh when he gets his nose stuck in a honey pot. Pooh Bear was undistilled evil. And VD’O was workin’ that role, man. He wore a huge, fake nose, kinda like Humpty-Hump from Digital Underground. You know, “The Humpty Dance”? Yeah, like that. He was brilliant.

Check out this filmography:

  1. Law & Order: Criminal Intent (2005) …. Det. Robert Goren [Kicks Ass]
  2. Case of Evil (2002) (TV) …. Moriarty
  3. The Salton Sea (2002) …. Pooh-Bear [Kicks Ass]
  4. The Red Sneakers (2002) (TV) …. Mercado
  5. The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys (2002) …. Father Casey
  6. Bark! (2002) …. Dr. Malcolm
  7. Impostor (2002) …. Maj. D.H. Hathaway
  8. “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (2001) TV Series …. Detective Robert Goren
  9. Chelsea Walls (2001) …. Frank
  10. The Cell (2000) …. Carl Rudolph Stargher [Movie Sucks, He Kicks Ass]
  11. Steal This Movie (2000) …. Abbie Hoffman [Kicks Ass]
  12. Happy Accidents (2000) …. Sam Deed
  13. That Championship Season (1999) (TV) …. Phil Romano
  14. The Thirteenth Floor (1999) …. Jason Whitney/Jerry Ashton
  15. Spanish Judges (1999) …. Max
  16. The Velocity of Gary (1998) …. Valentino
  17. Claire Dolan (1998) …. Elton Garrett
  18. The Newton Boys (1998) …. Dock Newton
  19. The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1998) (TV) …. Mr. Blue
  20. Guy (1997) …. Guy
  21. Men in Black (1997) …. Edgar [Kicks Ass]
  22. Boys Life 2 (1997) …. Tony Randozza (segment “Nunzio’s Second Cousin”)
  23. Good Luck (1996) …. Tony ‘Ole’ Olezniak
  24. Feeling Minnesota (1996) …. Sam Clayton
  25. The Winner (1996) …. Philip
  26. The Whole Wide World (1996) …. Robert E. ‘Bob’ Howard
  27. Strange Days (1995) …. Burton Steckler
  28. Stuart Saves His Family (1995) …. Donnie Smalley
  29. Hotel Paradise (1995) …. The Naked Stranger
  30. The Investigator (1994) (TV) …. Ephraim McDougall
  31. Nunzio’s Second Cousin (1994) …. Sgt. Tony Randozza
  32. Imaginary Crimes (1994) …. Mr. Webster
  33. Ed Wood (1994) …. Orson Welles
  34. Mr. Wonderful (1993) …. Dominic
  35. Household Saints (1993) …. Joseph Santangelo
  36. Being Human (1993) …. Priest
  37. Malcolm X (1992) …. Bill Newman
  38. Salt on Our Skin (1992) …. Gavin
  39. The Player (1992) …. David Kahane
  40. JFK (1991) …. Bill Newman
  41. Naked Tango (1991) …. Cholo
  42. Fires Within (1991) …. Sam
  43. Dying Young (1991) …. Gordon
  44. Crooked Hearts (1991) …. Charley
  45. The Blood of Heroes (1989) (as Vincent Phillip D’Onofrio) …. Young Gar
  46. Signs of Life (1989) (as Vincent Phillip D’Onofrio) …. Daryl Monahan
  47. Mystic Pizza (1988) (as Vincent Phillip D’Onofrio) …. Bill
  48. Adventures in Babysitting (1987) (as Vincent Phillip D’Onofrio) …. Dawson/’Thor’
  49. Full Metal Jacket (1987) …. Private Gomer Pyle/Leonard Lawrence [Kicks Ass]
  50. It Don’t Pay to Be an Honest Citizen (1984) …. Bennie
  51. The First Turn-On!! (1983) …. Lobotomy

I think I’ve made my point. Someone FedEx this man his damn awards, and do it post-haste. Those platinum and gold mini-Emmys are getting heavy.

Peace.

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