My love for Wal-Mart has been well-documented. I make no bones about it – I love the joint, and I’m not ashamed to sport the finest of WM gear. But today, I had a negative epiphany about ol’ Wally World (“negative epiphany”? Negpiphany? I should be working for Webster’s, for real). As I was walking through the Star Trek sliding door, I removed the clip-on shades I had attached to my glasses, thinking to myself “I better put these away, ’cause I bought ’em here, and I know they’ll think a brother stole ’em. As I put them into my pocket, I looked down at what I had on me, and did a quick mental inventory:
- Shirt – purchased at Wal-Mart
- Shorts – purchased at Wal-Mart
- Socks – purchased at Wal-Mart
- Shoes – purchased at Foot Locker (I was out in public. I left the Wal-Mart shoes at home)
- Boxers – purchased at Wal-Mart
- Clip-on shades – purchased at Wal-Mart
- Glasses – not purchased at Wal-Mart. C’mon. I go to a REAL eye doctor, not someone who wears a blue smock and eats lunch in the employee break room with Darla and Benitra, the snaggle-toothed cashier with a bad weave and a matching attitude.
- Belt – no belt. Draw tie. Wal-Mart shorts, remember?
- Watch – Clemson University Swiss Army watch. No Wal-Mart here, baby.
- Wallet – purchased at Wal-Mart
- Keys – several purchased at Wal-Mart
- Haircut – not purchased at Wal-Mart, but the clippers I use to cut my hair and trim my beard WERE purchased at Wal-Mart
This was a sad, sad inventory, and yet, I still feel no shame. If one-stop shopping is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Apparently, today was Ex-Con Day, given the type of clientele I witnessed today. Not that the general Wal-Mart shopper is the epitome of high society – hell, I can use myself as an example of that – but today, every biker, greaser, prison tattooed, long-haired, denim vest-wearin’, bad pedicure-havin’, migrant worker-lookin’, wallet chain-totin’, circle of chewing tobacco in the back pocket havin’, busted grill wearin’, bottle blonde with black and grey roots sportin’ member of local high society decided to investigate the low prices today. Guess it was payday (otherwise known as “payroll day at the liquor store I just robbed”). I was perfectly Wal-Mart jonx in my red t-shirt and khaki shorts. so much so that 3 people asked me to help them with something. When I explained that I need cash up front to provide services, they shuffled off to Electronics. Punks. I hope their buggy tips over.
Someone please explain why I’ve seen so many young Latino kids, little kids around 3 or 4 years old, with large gold chains around their necks, containing pendants with (I presume) their names in script. What’s that all about? Please, someone hip me to this, ’cause in the checkout today, I swear I thought the 4 year old sitting in the buggy ahead of me was a pimp, and he thought I was shorting him on some cash I owed him. He was giving me that gangsta look:
Yeah. THAT look. I backed off, eyes in the Wal-Mart tile, ’cause…you never know. He coulda been like Marlon Wayans in that movie “Little Man” or whatever. He coulda been packing heat. I’m not fucking with that. I was just there to get some hot dogs, eggs, and Tang, not to get beat down by a gangsta 4 year old in Checkout Aisle #4.
Peace.
11 comments
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July 9, 2006 at 8:19 pm
Jenne Lou
I have so been there. I have WAY too mcuh stuff from Wal Mart.
Which could probably get me killed in my hometown. The closest department store is an hour way, in the town where I live….I am not kidding. It was announced recently that they would be getting a Wal Mart, and people are freaking the fuck out. Seriously. They are afraid that it will kill their precious little tourist trap. And it is beautiful here in the Adirondacks, but come on! Who wants to drive an hour for underwear?
That said, I guess I am not totally for Wal Mart in that town, alythough I do like shopping at the one near my apartment.
Even if working there does suck.
Even if I have never seen a for real Mr. Smiley Face Ball of Death.
Please excuse this rambling post, but at least I am not hassling you.
For once. Don’t get used to it. (I know you like it…)
July 9, 2006 at 8:52 pm
CP
*shudders*
Walmart. Gads. I detest Walmart. I despise Walmart. I have a seizure everytime I enter the place. Too much stuff piled high. Too much blue. Too many smiley faces. Makes me feel like I am on ‘shrooms or some shit. Whenever I need something from Walmart, I do one of two things…
A) Send the hotband or
B) Go to Target.
End of story.
However, I did have ONE Walmart excursion a few months back that resulted in me getting into a war with some gangly, nappy assed ho bag and her posse of gansta-leanin’ boys.
Lawd. Walmart is no place for a nice Jewish girl…EVAH!!!
CP.
July 10, 2006 at 9:27 am
Softball Slut
I despise Walmart and all that it stands for. Unfortunately it is right behind my bank. And I get stuck with dealing with said employees. And their trailor loving migrant workers who no speaka da inglis! I try not to go there. we have an HEB Plus (angels sing and the heavens open up) and then there is Target and Lowes. God Bless HEB Plus, the largest HEB in the world.
July 10, 2006 at 1:03 pm
Elaine
I”m not a big Wal Mart fan either, but that store has some kind of vacuum that sucks me back in there time and time again for random crap like a sausage grinder and a double pack of sugar free gum.
Wal-Mart is the devil. Along with Ebay running a close second.
July 10, 2006 at 1:16 pm
Summer
WARNING: Nerd moment ahead…
I can’t do Wal-mart ever since I read the food rating on Consumer Reports. Gave me the creeps! Target is Wunderbar!
In my little town, we have the spandex hoochies. They put spandex on with a little shirt that allows thier gut to breathe. Sometimes, they have John Deere tractor belly rings. Hawt! They buy cans of Aqua Net to make elaoborate, large bleached creations on thier heads. They call it hair, not sure though.These farm fresh beauties are always a delight to see at my local Wally World!
July 10, 2006 at 1:47 pm
jali
Kinda lurking and waiting to read the Laurie/Damian conversation.
Let’s go kids!
July 10, 2006 at 1:51 pm
Dark Damian
Thing is, Jali, Laurie likes Wal-Mart too, and she’ll be the first to tell you that, so there shouldn’t be an argument about that here. She’s just as ghetto as I am.
Moreso, really.
July 10, 2006 at 2:17 pm
Anonymous
How about “Gansta Toddla?” Can you submit that to the Urban Dictionary?
…Your child is heading for a highly damaged adulthooooood.
July 10, 2006 at 4:06 pm
~*~ D ~*~
4 year olds can be scary, I’d have backed away too!
Hey I love Walmart and I am guilty of having a fudstupid amount of Wallyworld products in my possession.
Have you been to the NEW one on Park and Dallas Parkway though…tell me you have….it is beautiful! The isles have got to be 6 feet wide, it has everything.
Except layaway.
July 10, 2006 at 6:21 pm
Sherri
Baby boy, come here, lean in a little closer, Walmart CLOTHING??? WTF were you thinking? Boxers and socks, maybe. But outerwear? That’s where you go to buy toilet paper and cat food, not clothes.
July 11, 2006 at 12:23 pm
DrM2B
Im with Sherri on this one….HI Sherri….we havent met…but obviously you are a womyn of taste and substance……me?…..If its not from Saks…or Nordstroms…or Bloomies?….. Im not participating….okay…well..I have stopped in and bought necessities from Tar-jaaaay.