Let’s be clear: Mel Gibson is completely, irrevocably, and certifiably nutso.
He took his Riggs character from “Lethal Weapon” and said “Hmm…how can I make this guy even more insane, and at the same time, less likable? That will be my goal in life.”
But I believe Whoopi Goldberg’s assessment that he’s not racist. Mel’s in counseling now, and he’s going to learn to stop doing things that make people think he’s Hitler’s more radical grandnephew. But I don’t blame him.
I blame his cellphone.
You see, it’s not Mel who is saying these awful things; it’s that pesky predictive text feature on his high-end mobile. You doubt me? I figured you would. I’ll prove it. In the table below, the column on the left shows what Mel was TRYING to type on his little touchscreen phone. The column on the right shows what his dastardly and devious device converted his well-meaning text to.
|What Mel Tried To Say||What Mel Actually Allegedly Said|
|I’m going to be home late – traffic is heavy today||F*cking Jews…the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world|
|What do you want for dinner?||What are you looking at, sugar tits?|
|I love what you’re wearing, Oksana. You look great!||You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.|
|You mean everything to me.||You’re an embarrassment to me|
|Can we talk? I think we should clear some things up.||I am going to come and burn the f**king house down… but you will blow me first.|
|Did you do something with your hair?||You are the most synthetic person… who the f*** are you?|
|I’ve been a real cad…I’m sorry, Oksana.||How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice.|
|Let’s schedule a meeting to talk about the relationship.||You insult me with every f**king look, every breath, every f**king heartbeat, every f**king selfish heartbeat you have.|
|We all have our faults, Oksana. Let’s work this out together.||You’re a f***ing mentally deprived idiot. You’re a f***ing using whore. I own you. You don’t count.|
|Have you seen Consuela? She knows where I keep my nice ties.||I will fire (name omitted) if she’s at your house. I will make it known and fire her. I’ll report her to the f***ing people that take f***ing money from the wetbacks, OK?|
See? It’s totally not Mel’s fault. He’s a victim of technology and a vast conspiracy to sully his good name. I blame it on Obama.
(Mel…get help. Now.)