Tang is a sugared, fruit-flavored, uncarbonated soft drink from America. The original orange flavored Tang was formulated by General Foods Corporation in 1957 and first marketed (in powdered form) in 1959. It was initially intended as a breakfast drink, but sales were poor until NASA began using it on Gemini flights in 1965. For a decade it was associated with the U.S. manned spaceflight program by many consumers.

I love Tang. You all know this. But for so long, I’ve denied Tang its rightful due in this here blog. It’s time to rectify that. (I love the word “rectify”. It sounds so dirty.) This, people, is what I love:

Beautiful, ain’t it? Like a Norman Rockwell painting. But I’ve recently discovered this:

Ignore my cubicle pictures and the stupid tech writer humor. Focus on the canister atop the cubicle wall, perched there like a prince or a parrot about to take a dump. This, folks is called Great Value Orange Instant Breakfast Drink Mix, or as I like to call it, GVOIBDM, or “Fake Tang” for short.

Know what the difference is between Tang and Fake Tang?

$1.72.

And when you’re cheap — uh, frugal — like me, it makes all the difference. It’s the exact same shit, and I love it they same way you love that fourth child that you didn’t plan on having.

At one time, Canadian authorities attempted to deter addicts from misusing doses of methadone by packaging it in combination with Tang; this was carried out under the reasoning that nobody would be foolish enough to intravenously inject the combination. This was not the case.

In researching the Tangness, I discovered quite a few things that are CALLED Tang, but are most definitely NOT Tang. Like these:

OK, my bad. This has Tang-like colors, but it is, in fact, a Nerf revolver that shoots darts. Several of us at work have these, and we have frequent intercubicle battles. Just this morning I got shot in the mouth, which failed to prevent me from talking. We are pro fesh shun ulls. Word.

In all seriousness, look at these things:

What the hell is “Horchata”? Is it Mexican Tang? Is it a new formula I don’t know about? Is this what whores drink in the mornings? How dare they sully the good wholesome name of Tang! Damn whores. I swear. I hope they get the gout.

And look at THIS shit:

“Thirsty after a long jihad? Been shooting missiles at Israel all day, and your throat is parched? Well, come and get some Terrorist Tang today! Not made by the Great Satan, and approved by Al Qaeda. Bin Laden, been thirsty? Drink Terrorist Tang!” (note: No offense intended, but then again, if you ARE offended by this, you might be a terrorist. Just sayin’.)

On Married with Children, members of the Bundy family would sometimes have a “Tang sandwich“. And if there was not enough for a sandwich, they would have “Tang wipe” (a slice of bread wiped in the jar to absorb the residual Tang).

Now, I love me some “Finding Nemo”, and I watch it every time the kids watch it, but dammit, this fish is called a blue tang for all the wrong reasons. First of all, Tang is orange, not blue. Recognize. Secondly, it’s a fish, not a delicious breakfast drink made for astronauts. Thirdfully, Tang would NEVER suffer from a lack of short-term memory, ’cause Tang is jonx like that (all hail Fyrchk, bringer of jonx). Come on, fishologists. Correct your damn nomenclature.

Your momma named you Tang, but that don’t make you Tang. Call yourself Kool-Aid or Sunny Delight instead. Oh yeah – Member’s Only jackets went out of style about 17 years ago. Time to update the ol’ wardrobe.

“Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You’re goin’, “What the hell is this?” and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won’t know what happened to you!” “Sa da tay!”

Love that movie. But it ain’t Tang.

Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit’. They can be Tang if they want to. No issues with me, Ghostface Killah, The RZA, GZA, Ol’ Dirty Bastard (RIP), Raekwon, Inspectah Deck, Method Man, Masta Killa, and U-God. We cool.

These swords are described as being “full tang”, which apparently means that the blade goes all the way to the bottom of the hilt. But I don’t see what that has to do with Tang, so I will be sending out a cease and desist to all sword and knife makers. Ginsu, I’m coming for you, bitch.

These are all pretenders to the throne. However, in all my research, I DID discover this little slice of joy:

Size XL, people. That’s how I roll.

Tang usually comes in a plastic container with a screw-on lid that makes six quarts. A larger nine-quart container (898 grams) is available. Tang is also available in larger institutional sizes.

Tang…I think I love you.

Peace.

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