Tang is a sugared, fruit-flavored, uncarbonated soft drink from America. The original orange flavored Tang was formulated by General Foods Corporation in 1957 and first marketed (in powdered form) in 1959. It was initially intended as a breakfast drink, but sales were poor until NASA began using it on Gemini flights in 1965. For a decade it was associated with the U.S. manned spaceflight program by many consumers.
I love Tang. You all know this. But for so long, I’ve denied Tang its rightful due in this here blog. It’s time to rectify that. (I love the word “rectify”. It sounds so dirty.) This, people, is what I love:
Beautiful, ain’t it? Like a Norman Rockwell painting. But I’ve recently discovered this:
Ignore my cubicle pictures and the stupid tech writer humor. Focus on the canister atop the cubicle wall, perched there like a prince or a parrot about to take a dump. This, folks is called Great Value Orange Instant Breakfast Drink Mix, or as I like to call it, GVOIBDM, or “Fake Tang” for short.
Know what the difference is between Tang and Fake Tang?
$1.72.
And when you’re cheap — uh, frugal — like me, it makes all the difference. It’s the exact same shit, and I love it they same way you love that fourth child that you didn’t plan on having.
At one time, Canadian authorities attempted to deter addicts from misusing doses of methadone by packaging it in combination with Tang; this was carried out under the reasoning that nobody would be foolish enough to intravenously inject the combination. This was not the case.
In researching the Tangness, I discovered quite a few things that are CALLED Tang, but are most definitely NOT Tang. Like these:
OK, my bad. This has Tang-like colors, but it is, in fact, a Nerf revolver that shoots darts. Several of us at work have these, and we have frequent intercubicle battles. Just this morning I got shot in the mouth, which failed to prevent me from talking. We are pro fesh shun ulls. Word.
In all seriousness, look at these things:
What the hell is “Horchata”? Is it Mexican Tang? Is it a new formula I don’t know about? Is this what whores drink in the mornings? How dare they sully the good wholesome name of Tang! Damn whores. I swear. I hope they get the gout.
“Thirsty after a long jihad? Been shooting missiles at Israel all day, and your throat is parched? Well, come and get some Terrorist Tang today! Not made by the Great Satan, and approved by Al Qaeda. Bin Laden, been thirsty? Drink Terrorist Tang!” (note: No offense intended, but then again, if you ARE offended by this, you might be a terrorist. Just sayin’.)
On Married with Children, members of the Bundy family would sometimes have a “Tang sandwich“. And if there was not enough for a sandwich, they would have “Tang wipe” (a slice of bread wiped in the jar to absorb the residual Tang).
Now, I love me some “Finding Nemo”, and I watch it every time the kids watch it, but dammit, this fish is called a blue tang for all the wrong reasons. First of all, Tang is orange, not blue. Recognize. Secondly, it’s a fish, not a delicious breakfast drink made for astronauts. Thirdfully, Tang would NEVER suffer from a lack of short-term memory, ’cause Tang is jonx like that (all hail Fyrchk, bringer of jonx). Come on, fishologists. Correct your damn nomenclature.
Your momma named you Tang, but that don’t make you Tang. Call yourself Kool-Aid or Sunny Delight instead. Oh yeah – Member’s Only jackets went out of style about 17 years ago. Time to update the ol’ wardrobe.
“Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You’re goin’, “What the hell is this?” and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won’t know what happened to you!” “Sa da tay!”
Love that movie. But it ain’t Tang.
Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit’. They can be Tang if they want to. No issues with me, Ghostface Killah, The RZA, GZA, Ol’ Dirty Bastard (RIP), Raekwon, Inspectah Deck, Method Man, Masta Killa, and U-God. We cool.
These swords are described as being “full tang”, which apparently means that the blade goes all the way to the bottom of the hilt. But I don’t see what that has to do with Tang, so I will be sending out a cease and desist to all sword and knife makers. Ginsu, I’m coming for you, bitch.
These are all pretenders to the throne. However, in all my research, I DID discover this little slice of joy:
Size XL, people. That’s how I roll.
Tang usually comes in a plastic container with a screw-on lid that makes six quarts. A larger nine-quart container (898 grams) is available. Tang is also available in larger institutional sizes.
Tang…I think I love you.
Peace.
33 comments
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August 29, 2006 at 9:53 am
jali
I will not drink in on a train.
I will not drink it on a plane.
I will not drink it, Dam -I- An.
I will not drink that powdered Tang.
I will not drink it in a tree.
Or at a fair – or on TV.
I will not drink here or there.
I will not drink it anywhere.
(end of tune)
I love Orange-ade. In the individual cartons – 1/2 pint sized – a little gulp of heaven.
August 29, 2006 at 11:27 am
katrice
I remember loving Tang as a kid in Louisiana, but I can’t say that I ever remember seeing it up here in the D.C. area. We’re moving to Dallas, and then I shall get some for my kids and foreign-born husband to taste. Yes I shall.
August 29, 2006 at 11:54 am
The Lily
Damn you and your Tanginess. Now I want Tang and it isn’t sugar free.
Actually when I was little I would forego the water and eat Tang right out of the canister. Like I do Nutella.
Now you see why I had to go cold turkey on the Tang.
August 29, 2006 at 12:21 pm
Laurie
You need counseling.
Seriously.
Oh…”cherry” koolaid, my man.
Cherry.
August 29, 2006 at 12:23 pm
Dark Damian
It’s “Red”, Laurie.
Red.
I mean, I know you’re white and all, but you grew up hood, and you should know this.
Red Kool-Aid.
Memorize.
August 29, 2006 at 12:24 pm
Laurie
Shut up right now.
Just because you can’t spell Cherry.
It’s ok.
Mim or eyes.
August 29, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Dark Damian
I HAVE A DEGREE IN ENGLISH!!!! I KNOW HOW TO SPELL CHEERY!!!
I mean “cherry”.
Fuck.
I can spell “hoochie”. Bet you can too, since it’s written in Sharpie on your underwear tags.
August 29, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Laurie
It might be. Your mama gave me those underwear…so, ya know.
August 29, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Laurie
AND…
…for the record…
I have a degree in “hood”.
Recognize.
August 29, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Dark Damian
Please. The only way you’d have a degree in hood is if you carried a thermometer through Compton.
August 29, 2006 at 12:33 pm
~*~ D ~*~
TANG meant a WHOLE OTHER THING to the kids I went to school with!!!
August 29, 2006 at 12:36 pm
Laurie
Maybe if I’m walking with YOU and said thermometer is up your ASS!!!!!!
Which is WHERE it would be, if I ever see you!
poophead.
August 29, 2006 at 12:39 pm
Dark Damian
Pirate – Idle threats. When I get done yawning, I’ll start getting scared or whatever.
Di – Yeah, I know THAT meaning too. Folks, “poontang” is also a word that uses Tang, but as I am fond of poontang, I opted not to dissect its usage.
August 29, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Laurie
I think you better rub that permanent DENT in your sternum and contemplate talkin shit to me ONCE again.
Mmmm hmmmm…
Thought so.
August 29, 2006 at 12:47 pm
Dark Damian
You better rub that banner on your blog and recall how badly I JACKED your shit UP last time, before you ponder talking shit to ME. Remember how fat I made “your” ass?
Yeah.
Settle.
August 29, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Laurie
Oh it’s on, bitch.
Why you gotta bring up the FAT ASS BANNER?????
Be scared, Mr. I Love Unicorns and Rainbows.
Be fucking skurred!
August 29, 2006 at 1:14 pm
Dark Damian
You can scotch-tape some Bugles to a chihuahua’s head, but that don’t make it a unicorn.
Jot that down.
August 29, 2006 at 1:15 pm
Jocular Schlemiel
Gatorade is better than Tang.
You goin to get pissed like the Waterboy gets pissed when people say gatorade is better than H2O?
August 29, 2006 at 1:32 pm
Softball Slut
You can scotch-tape some Bugles to a chihuahua’s head, but that don’t make it a unicorn.
That’s some funny shit right thar. I dont think I have ever had Tang. Can you explain the pros and cons of Tang?
August 29, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Dark Damian
Jock – I’m just gonna pretend that I didn’t read that. I mean, I’ll give Gatorade its props. If I’ve just played basketball or football or maybe “Grand Theft Auto”, some rain-flavored Gatorade sure goes down easy. But for normal, everyday, cocktail-style drinkin’, it’s all about the Tang. Or Fake Tang. Either way.
SS – Here are the pros and cons of Tang.
Pro – it’s fucking awesome and tasty and orange, like Clemson University.
Con – There are no cons, except running out of the shit. That’s why I 2-fist them when I buy ’em at the store. You gotta try it. But don’t snort it – your boyfriend will arrest you.
August 29, 2006 at 2:32 pm
Kav
Do they ship this stuff to the UK? I’m really fucking thirsty and all I’ve got right now is beer.
Wait a second…
August 29, 2006 at 3:19 pm
Analyst Catalyst
Horchata is a Mexican rice drink that tastes something like what the milk tastes like after you finish your bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
It is found at crappy little Mexican taco shops all over.
It’s surprisingly good. Perhaps not as delicious as Tang, but delicious nonetheless.
August 29, 2006 at 4:27 pm
seamushttp://rangelife.typepad.com
If a old Mexican man ate nothing but rice pudding from the hospital cafeteria for six months, his piss would taste like horchata. It’s not nearly as great as Tang. Nobody who’s ever been to space has drank horchata.
August 29, 2006 at 5:32 pm
pickett
Seems as though I forget about Tang most of the time, but Sams has this HUGE container of mix that may make up the $1.72 so you can have the real shit. Mmmmm, must venture to Sams.
August 29, 2006 at 5:37 pm
Mrs. Brain Bomb
Damn, Damn, Damn. I weaned myself off because I’m in my late twenties. I figured it’s time to stop eating cereal with sugar and cut the powdered crap but all those pics are like porn. Screw this, I’m running to the bodega for some Tang.
August 29, 2006 at 11:32 pm
Jenne Lou
It is very sad, but I am not sure that I have ever had Tang.
Or even seen it in the damn stores here.
Yet another reason being in the sticks sucks.
BUT we do have Wal Mart….and if you say the Great Value variety is just as good….or close…I may have to try it!
August 30, 2006 at 12:17 pm
seamushttp://rangelife.typepad.com
Jenne Lou, no one in history has been denied Tang because they were “too rural.” This is the redneck/ghetto substitute for orange juice. Look near the Kool Aid and Crystal Light — you’ll find it.
August 30, 2006 at 1:10 pm
fyrchk
I almost want to make a glass of it. But I’m afraid I’ll shave a mohawk into my head, play bass, and start bathing in bacon.
So, I’ll pass.
Also, I have an iPod game on my blog…and someone needs to come and guess the ones that only you and I know.
Jonx and shit.
August 30, 2006 at 1:34 pm
hotdrwife
We have a yellow tang in our fish tank. Or did, anyway, until HDH did that crazy water change thing.
August 30, 2006 at 1:43 pm
Dark Damian
Kav: Beer and Tang are in two different categories. It’s like comparing minor league baseball to curling. Apples and pears, man.
Analyst: I might have to try this…
seamus: …or not.
pickett: Must also venture to Sams. But those fuckers don’t take my debit card. Like I carry cash around.
Mrs. BB: Go to that bodega, girl. Oh yeah – what the hell is a “bodega” anyway?
JL: Get over to that Wal-Mart as though your boobs depended on it. Get Tang. Get it.
Fyr: The mohawk is no more. I dyed it blue, saw how stupid it looked, and away it went. I’m blessedly bald now. So, at least you won’t have THAT to worry about. And I’ll come check that game out.
HDW: A yellow tang stil isn’t Tang. And I KNOW you know the joy of Tang.
August 30, 2006 at 5:43 pm
hotdrwife
The last time I had TANG (and the liquid version) would have been mid-80’s, when my pastor’s kid was babysitting my brother and myself. He mixed that shit up in the kitchen and my brother POURED IT OUT on the floor. And because I laughed, we got on our hands and knees and srubbed up that effin’ TANG like the sweet Lord Jesus was coming down in five minutes. The stickiness was enough for me. You can consume my portion! 🙂
August 31, 2006 at 7:25 am
Kellyhttp://www.myspace.com/krs1971
Just wanted to say HEY !! Love your site…I found it from beauty and the beer…my kind of girl !!
anyway ..love the crazy news stories — I am waiting for your band to come to H town !!
Kelly ~
August 31, 2006 at 9:23 am
Softball Slut
I shall try some of this tasty goodness you call Tang. Next time I am at HEB I will get some. Is it carbonated? What does it taste like? Why is it sticky?
Horchata is gross rice milk that only poor mexicans drink because they are poor. And white girls who wanna be mexican. Trust me, I know and recognize.
If I snorted Tang, would my snot be orange? So after M arrests me, I could threaten the bitches in the clink with my orange nose and tell them I have stuff better than the white powder?