I have a few confessions, some revelations, if you will, that may completely rock the foundation of the Castle Damian as you know it.
- I thought I had an ingrown hair or a lymph node problem in one of my armpits, so I shaved them both to investigate. And guess what: I liked how the smoothness felt so much, I kept doing it. Today? Pits are smooth as baby skin. I am such a girl.
- I pretend to watch “Avatar: The Last Airbender” on Nick WITH my son, but in fact, I also watch it when he’s not around. I’ve even been known to say “7YO, don’t you wanna watch Avatar? I think it’s on right now. If not, I bet we have one on the DVR. If not, I’m sure we can get it on-demand.” This year he’s dressing as the Avatar for Halloween, and I cheered on the inside.
- I love video games. Love them. Playstation 2, Gameboy, PC, hell – my cell phone, it doesn’t matter. Now, I wouldn’t consider myself a hardcore gamer (I don’t play for 18 hours straight, and I tend to have good hygiene – see armpit section two bullets above), I am a pretty avid one who loves to play all the time. I have been known to turn down sex for a game. Oh yes.
- And History Channel, too. It was a special on the czars in Russia, and dammit, I like czars. I don’t care if you don’t understand. Czar Nicholas NEEDED me to watch!
- I steal chocolate-covered peanuts from grocery stores. Not a lot, not like a whole box, but when I’m shopping, I feel entitled to 4 or 5 of those li’l chunks of heaven, so I help myself. I mean shit, I’m prolly spending a couple hundred in there to feed my horde, so I should be allowed to enjoy a slight repast when the mood strikes me. Once, an employee saw me do it, and I totally mad-dogged him for looking at me. I stared him down like he had my woman’s phone number on his chest. He looked away. I ate like a KING. They better be glad I don’t drink out of the apple juice bottles and put them back.
- I hate my first name. I always have. I think it sounds dumb. I always wanted to be a Justin. I came close to having a cool name, when my dad wanted to name me Lord Christoff when I was born. My mom put the kibosh on THAT noise with the quickness. The name she gave me, though…I’m not a fan. In the 7th or 8th grade, I started a campaign to have people call me by my (even dumber) middle name, but that plan failed like me in Calculus in college.
- This is gonna be my Halloween costume this year:
Yeah, I know. My intent is to look like Jimi Hendrix. I may end up looking like Jimmy Walker from “Good Times”. Either way, this costume is DY-NO-MITE!!
- I love to watch “The Rockford Files” and I don’t care if you know.
- When I pee, I always aim for the lowest back part of the ceramic, just above the water line, because when I was growing up, it was just me and my mom for 14 years in a tiny house, and the bathroom was right across from her bedroom. Evidently she thought my pee was in polyphonic stereo surround sound, ’cause she used to complain about the noise. So I started hitting the back of the toilet, down near the water, which greatly reduced the audio factor. And I still do that today.
- I put the seat down about 90% of the time due to this same reason. A spanked ass has a good memory. Sorry, guys.
- I cry when I watch “The Natural”. Shut up.
OK, I’m all confessioned out. It’s your turn. Tell me YOUR dark secrets!
Peace.
61 comments
Comments feed for this article
October 16, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Laurie
– I am really a latino sex siren from the Bronx.
– I am VERY nice.
– I have an unnatural addiction to Cap’n Crunchberries.
October 16, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Softball Slut
– I like girls
– I am very lazy
– I am petrified of returning to school
– I drink ALOT of milk. And Beer. but not together.
October 16, 2006 at 2:46 pm
Laurie
OH…and I can’t wait to see the pics from Halloween when you take your sons out treat or treating in that GET UP you call a costume.
Kids all screamin’, havin’ seizures from the colors…..cryin’…..
Good Times.
October 16, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Dark Damian
L:
– Bullshit. You’re a siren, alright – loud as fuck.
– Bullshit.
– Believable.
SS:
– Really? Intriguing.
– Believable.
– 100% believable.
– You’re a big tall girl, so yeah, I see that.
L (a-damn-gain): And what, praytell, will be draped all over your hips like a painter’s drop cloth? A pirate costume? How (*yawn*) original.
October 16, 2006 at 3:06 pm
Softball Slut
If you like the czars, read “The Last Tsar”. It’s an awesome book and there are just enough pictures to keep you interested.
October 16, 2006 at 3:24 pm
Laurie
Fuck off.
My costume is a secret.
And it’s NOT a fucking pirate.
Why in the fuck would I wear my regular clothes for halloween, numbnuts?
Geesh.
October 16, 2006 at 3:26 pm
Laurie
Oh….another confession?
DD and I are bestest friends.
October 16, 2006 at 3:26 pm
Dark Damian
You just mad ’cause I called you out. Now I bet you’re all scrambling, trying to piece together a new costume since I totally busted you on yours.
Go ‘head. Take your time. I’ll wait.
October 16, 2006 at 3:27 pm
Dark Damian
OK, that last thing L said is true. We are bestest friends…
…who enjoy hatin’ on each other.
October 16, 2006 at 3:28 pm
Laurie
Whatev.
My costume will blow your polyester piece of shit outta the water!
I was just kidding about the best friend bullshit….I sure had YOU going!
October 16, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Dark Damian
*sigh*
It’s so sad. Kids, this is why Keystone Light is bad for you. Look what it’s done to this poor woman.
Look away, children. Look away.
October 16, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Anonymous
First of all, I love that you shave your armpits. More guys should do that.
-I used to work for a phone sex company in college. We don’t talk about that anymore though.
-My boyfriend used to live with a friend of mine (not as roommates) but that’s no secret to people that know us. I didn’t steal him though, it was a good year plus and her out of state before we started dating.
-I once kicked a girl in a bar because she looked stupid and I thought it was funny. I still think it was funny.
October 16, 2006 at 3:31 pm
Laurie
I love Jif.
October 16, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Laurie
Oh….and one time…when I was about 10, I wanted a Snickers bar and my mom said NO to ME and I squished it before I put it back on the shelf. Like TWO FINGERS INSIDE that MUHFUCKA squished it.
I am sorry, Lord.
October 16, 2006 at 3:42 pm
Softball Slut
-I worked at a Titty bar for 3 years, and my dad still doesnt know.
– I am addicted to Dr Pepper. I literally have to have it.
– I have a blankie. It has satin neds. I rub it between my toes and fingers. And if I dont have it, I cant sleep at night. I literally will panic if I dont have my bankie.
– my best friend and I have been best friends since we were 7. I am 27 now.
October 16, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Dark Damian
That is downright evil, L.
I bet it looked like you punched a Hershey Bar, when you were done. But tell me, how’d you get those nuts off your hand?
October 16, 2006 at 3:46 pm
Dark Damian
Hey, SS, I’ve known my best friend Duke since he was 6 months old, and I was 1 year old. Holla.
October 16, 2006 at 3:46 pm
Laurie
I just sucked ’em off.
October 16, 2006 at 3:47 pm
Laurie
Duke?
No….seriously…..Duke?
October 16, 2006 at 3:48 pm
Dark Damian
Sounds about right. Practice makes perfect.
Oooh, I know what you should be for Halloween – A bullhorn. You wouldn’t need a costume or anything. Just mount your llama and ride through the streets, braying and telling people to suck it.
October 16, 2006 at 3:48 pm
Dark Damian
Duke’s not his REAL name, silly. That’s where he went to college.
Jeez.
October 16, 2006 at 3:51 pm
Laurie
What’s your Code Name then?
Asshole?
October 16, 2006 at 3:51 pm
Laurie
Your sister was already rented out so NO LLAMA for ME this season.
Oh well.
October 16, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Dark Damian
I’mma let the ‘asshole’ comment slide. It’s an easy pitch, and you don’t catch so good.
But calling my sister a llama…oh, that’s your ass. Speaking of your ass, it COULD be a llama, as big and hairy as it is.
October 16, 2006 at 3:58 pm
SRB
My confession –
I am too lazy to do a great costume so I am taping airplane wings to my shoulders and putting snakes on my shirt….
wait for it…
Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane.
I’ll send the pictures.
October 16, 2006 at 4:06 pm
Laurie
Ell Oh Ell, my friend.
Ell Oh Ell.
I think you just might be confusing me with someone else.
I catch just damn fine, by the way.
October 16, 2006 at 4:07 pm
Dark Damian
It wasn’t you who said her ass parted its fur to the side, so the bangs wouldn’t get all in its face all the time, making it do a Jennifer Aniston hair-flip every 3 minutes?
Must’ve been another Laurie. With a blog.
October 16, 2006 at 4:10 pm
Laurie
ADD again?
October 16, 2006 at 4:11 pm
Softball Slut
Who is pitching and who is catching in this relationship? BWAAAHHHAA
October 16, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Dark Damian
I haven’t forgotten about you, Miss Titty Bar. I could ask you the same question. And if I give you a $10, you’ll answer it. Tell ’em to play “Da Butt” while you talk. It adds to the ambiance.
October 16, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Dark Damian
And for the record, Laurie…
Yes.
My ADD is here, chillin’ with a glass of apple juice.
October 16, 2006 at 4:24 pm
Softball Slut
Uhhh hummm I was THE Door Girl. I only danced that 2 times and no one saw me. And I am worth waaayy more than $10. Try $20. check it.
October 16, 2006 at 4:24 pm
Softball Slut
My theme song is “redneck woman” thank you very much
October 16, 2006 at 4:25 pm
Dark Damian
Why am I not surprised…
October 16, 2006 at 4:33 pm
Randi
I dream about having sex w/ my girlfriends a lot more than I’m really comfortable with.
October 16, 2006 at 4:59 pm
Laurie
Hey Randi…..wassup, girlfriend!!??
October 16, 2006 at 5:56 pm
ginviren
My boyfriend’s daughter (and my boyfriend) LOVE the Avatar. It’s a pretty cute show…one of the few Nickelodeon shows I don’t mind watching as a matter of fact.
My confession – even though I’m a self-proclaimed pacifist, it surprises me the number of times I feel like bashing someone’s face in.
Does thinking about it not make me a pacifist?? 😉
October 16, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Debbie
Love that you shave your armpits. It’s awesome.
Jimi Hendrix…nice. Love it. Just don’t look like a clown.
My confession…I used to have a sugardaddy that would pay me to have dinner with him and then give him a lapdance. No sex, just a little rubbing.
October 16, 2006 at 7:00 pm
hotdrwife
I’m impressed with the list. I had a friend who shaved his pits and swore by it. Get an ingrown, use some witch’s hazel, fyi.
My confession? Hmmm.
1. I got my nose pierced last week.
I’m sure I have more, but that’s all I got right now. My brain hurts today.
October 16, 2006 at 8:40 pm
Metalchick
Hello. My name is Metalchick and I am addicted to Dr Pepper, Sex, Metallica, and Texas A&M Football. *sits down*
October 17, 2006 at 7:20 am
J R Estelle
I’ll just put my comment in at the end, DAMN LAURIE, lol.
-I can balance teaspoons from my chin and nose at the same time.
-I love green bean casserole like a fat kid loves cake.
-When I was 10, I was the ONLY girl on my Little League Baseball team and I hit a homerun OVER the centerfield fence off a boy pitcher, and he cried on the mound like a BIG GIRL. My team won the league and I got a separate trophy for hitting the ball over the fence.
SS likes girls?? Why wasn’t I informed of this. (blink, blink)
October 17, 2006 at 8:01 am
~*~ D ~*~
Very interesting confessions you have there! Thanks for the idea I couldn’t think of a thing to blog about today!
– DI –
October 17, 2006 at 8:48 am
Kalyani
Sheesh, DD, don’t you have any male friends?
Anyways, it’s about time you shaved those pits…can you say STANK?! (Don’t hate; I’m just tryin’ to fit in with your mean blogger friends.)
Don’t EVER tell Boo about your chocolate covered peanut exploits; I just tanned her ass (figuratively) for stealing four pieces of Halloween candy out of the bin; she’s convinced that the cops are after her.
I wish I could go as a hippie for Halloween but no one would think I was in costume. *Pout*
My confession…I had sex with a man who is 18 years older than me last night…and I barely kept up! Damn. I’m just sayin’. Maybe I’m losing my touch.
October 17, 2006 at 9:39 am
Softball Slut
JER I am a closet Bi. I like both. It’s fun 😉
Metalchick – I am addicted to UT and Dr Pepper so there neener neener
HDW – did you really?
October 17, 2006 at 1:00 pm
Katrina
Laurie’s comment about the candy bar reminded me of this…
–My confession is that when I was 13 I stole a Snickers and pack of Cinnamon Trident
I’ve never told anyone about this, not even my husband. I guess it’s time.
October 17, 2006 at 1:01 pm
Dark Damian
So, lemme see if I got all this straight (except for J R Estelle):
– Softball Slut is a soft bi
– Kalyani is knockin’ boots with a dude whose age ends in “-genarian”
– Di was too good to post hers here, and had to go make a whole post about it
– J R Estelle is a 5 star homerun hitter who doesn’t bat for the other team
– Metalchick likes Metallica (go figure)
– HDW got her nose pierced last week (which I already knew, being a charter member and all)
– FAL was a private dancer, a dancer for moooooooney, do what you want me to do
– Ginviren is secretly violent
– Randi wants to practice her Gaelic
– SRB is cheaping out on a costume, and is going as Samuel L. Jackson’s worst movie since “Formula 51”
– Natalie (who doesn’t comment enough) used to be Girl 6
– Laurie is insane
Did that about cover it? Or is there more?
October 17, 2006 at 1:30 pm
Metalchick
I don’t LIKE metallica m’dear. I love them! Adore! Love !!! THey are my second favoritest band next to NTL of course. Get it right fucker! 🙂
October 17, 2006 at 1:55 pm
Softball Slut
Soft Bi? I lurve ITTT!!! That is my new moniker.
Metal – I am in love with Dierks bentley. I am going to be on TV for rushing the stage. And beating up security guards. I.want.him.that.bad!!
Jer – We do play softball, alot.
October 17, 2006 at 2:13 pm
AZ :o(
Do you get the chocolate-covered peanuts from the bulk candy bins? I was in a store one day and saw kids taking candy from the bulk cany bins, and if they didn’t like it they spit it back into the bin. I never buy candy from those bulk bins because people who don’t wash their hands reach in a help themselves and how many kids spit back candy they don’t like. EWWWWWW!
October 17, 2006 at 2:43 pm
fyrchk
My hooha is pierced.
October 17, 2006 at 3:09 pm
Softball Slut
Fyr how long has your vajayjay been pierced? That’s awesome. I remember my roommate showing me. She just went spread eagle on her bed and was like look. Yes I guess it was nice. Dont they get infected a lot? What about when you are on your period? Does it act like a catcher?
October 17, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Dark Damian
SS – You are nasty. Speak not of hood peircings and menstrual flow in the same sentence again. Ew. You ruined the visual. Nasty soft bi ass.
Fyr – Somehow, I’m not surprised to learn this.
AZ – What’re you trying to do, mess up my only joy in going to the grocery store? Don’t tell me shit like this! I mean, it won’t STOP me, but I WILL be grossed out. Ew.
Metalchick – Way to represent. And yes – you LOVE Metallica. Not like; LOVE!
October 17, 2006 at 3:58 pm
J R Estelle
SS, I play softball alot too, but I’m a 5 Star Lesbian, ask DD, he’ll vouch.
Oh and in high school I broke a guy’s nose.
And I’ll agree with DD, “soft bi ass” because I dont’ think it’s nasty.
October 17, 2006 at 4:14 pm
hotdrwife
I don’t have any good secrets, and this sucks.
I demand a do-over!!
October 17, 2006 at 5:05 pm
Softball Slut
Soft Bi Ass plays softball 4 nights a week on 6 teams. I am kinda butch but only in my mannerisms. I am just a closet bi. Well my mom and sis know, and friends but not my dad. He doesnt really need to know anyways. Yuck.
VAJAYJAY Period. VAJAYJAY Period VAJAYJAY Period
October 17, 2006 at 5:15 pm
J R Estelle
Not to be confused with red bull, dr pepper, red bull, dr pepper.
4 nights a week? 6 teams??? Who you kiddin’, you’re a DYKE. 😉
October 17, 2006 at 5:52 pm
fyrchk
4 maybe 5 years. No infections. No catching during the flow.
You gave me spitty mouth and I’m the one with the jewelry in my jayjay.
It’s wonderful. That is all.
October 17, 2006 at 10:19 pm
Elaine
– I dislike pubic hair. So when I read about your hairless pits, I cheered inside.
– I always daydream about being a guest on a nighttime talk show, talking about how fabulous my new “whatever it is that made me famous” thing is. Oh and Arsenio Hall is ALWAYS the guy interviewing me. (I love his hug/handshake..so hip.)
– I’m intrigued that softball slut likes girls..although not too surprised..what with the whole “love for softball and all…” (just kidding SS. you know I luv ya)
– I also like that Avatar show, but not as much as Sponge Bob Square Pants. I’m secretly pleased that the two year old has also taken a liking to the cartoon.
– I will eat circus peanuts until I vomit. Then I would gargle some water and continue eating more…
October 18, 2006 at 8:03 am
Dark Damian
Oh, I thought of one more.
I’m attracted to Jeannine Garofalo. Ilove her dark humor. I imagine doing dirty, dirty things to her.
October 18, 2006 at 8:24 am
Softball Slut
Jeannine Garofalo???? ‘
Ummm ok DD. You know we love you for who you are and all but this? This I dont know if I can take it. Seriously Wow
*smack my forehead* I shoulda known the softball would be my out! lol
It’s all the VaJayJay
October 18, 2006 at 9:50 am
Anonymous
1. I’m too nice.
2. I’m too smart.
3. I’m too sexy for this blog. To sexy for this blog – too sexy. And I’m not anonorexy. (just go with it)
Hmmm. Confession makes me hungry.